The other says "well put some more cold in then"
Tina? Larry? Where is everybody?!? Oh my god, they’re all gone!!! ... Oooh a sale!
Cus she never marries the best man
The ICU
but she doesn't offer express service.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain".
His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?"
He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
He slipped and got the sack
They're free of charge, right?
Re-Morse code.
I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally.
This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said "Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold."
She then instantly looked up at me and insisted "Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold!"
I'm so proud.
oooh yeah, that’s the spot
A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks “what’s going on over there?” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. “Really! Can I wish for anything!?” The Bartender says “yup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” “How do you play!?” The man asks excitedly “It’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks!” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted!?” The bartender says “what did I say!? I told you to be specific and enunciate!” “Oooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says “Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
So I'm British and my wife is Korean. She is ALWAYS asking for tissue to wipe her nose as it's constantly running.
So joke 1: Baby, are you entering your nose in a marathon? Wife puzzled look Because it's always running.
This led to a problem, she didn't understand it straight away. I was incensed, I explained it and got a few laughs from the family but it wasn't enough, I needed the groan.
The next meal I tried again. In Korean, snot is called Nose water (direct translation). So with this in mind I said this 'Baby, we should send your nose to africa, it's full of water'. This led to the groan I so wanted....and an explaination as to why it was stupid....
Mission sucessful
So that they can Scandinavian
Snowballs
Dad: oooh, what's a super salad?
The MGM lion is doing his thing at the beginning and she says "oooh that's a scary tiger"
I quickly retorted, "that's a lion you know it!"
For my son's birthday; if he gets a small square book shaped gift, before he unwraps it I always say "Oooh, I bet it's a shiny new bicycle!" every present, every time - I think it drives the wife more insane than my son.
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Dad: Yello?
Friend: Hi is emphaticstatic there?
Dad: Yes she is here.
Friend: ...
Dad: ...
Dad: Oooh you want to talk to her!
Last night while having dinner at the in laws we were sitting down to eat. Well my father in law finished the ketchup and set the empty bottle down. I took the bottle put it up to my eyes and made "oooh, ahhh, ehhh, ewww" sounds for about 30 seconds. Finally my wife asked what I was doing. I told her "Everything's different in Heinz sight" the entire table proceeded to groan.
The three year old was asking him where he was, and the eight year old said- I am standing at the corner. Get it? Corn-er. Little bastard is on point.
Watching the Olympic parade of nations with my dad and sister.
Sister: Oooh Micronesia
Dad: Yeah that's just a small loss of memory.
Me: facepalm
A little while later...
Sister: Wait where was Micronesia?
Dad: You didn't see them because they're so small
Me: more facepalm
"Oooh. What year is it?"
"Well, it's 2014. But if we wait a bit it might change."
I was eating breakfast with my parents at a hotel. It was a buffet style one. We were towards the end of the meal when this happened.
Dad: Did you see all the juices they had over there?
Me: Yeah, I went for orange.
Mom: Oooh do they have Passion Fruit and Guava juice? We could mix them and make POG.
Me: Nah, they had Cranberry, Orange, Apple, and Lemonade though; you could make COAL.
Dad: It's a good thing they didn't have Cranberry, Raspberry, Apple, and Pineapple. (He was already laughing at his own joke getting the last word out) ...Do you get it? (now in uncontrollable laughter)
Me: I could smell that one coming when you started it.
Mom groaned and pretended not to know us.
A few weeks ago I stayed at my dad's house. In the morning I found I had forgotten my keys and therefore had locked myself in. Because I didn't want to get told off/mocked by my dad, I phoned my brother's girlfriend to go to my brother at his work, retrieve the key from him and bring it back to dad's house to let me out. The following week my brother (the traitor) told my dad about this escapade and dad phoned me to mock me and tell me that not only was there a spare key in the house already, dad just happened to be driving past the house when I left anyway so could've let me out himself...
These are some of the key-related puns since then.
> me: dad, I didn't get the job in [city]
> dad: don't worry, it wasn't a key position.
Today in the restaurant we ate at: oh look! They do KEY lime pie!
Dude turns his head to look at me as dad and I walk down the road together: oooh! He looked keen. Geddit? Keen? KEY-n
> me: okay dad, you can stop with the key jokes now.
> dad makes the motion of sealing his lips and locking them with a key, immediately bursting into fits of giggles before he says: nah I think this joke has many more possibilities to unlock. more laughter
So many groans...
Ninja edit: something went funny with the submit page...
