Just going to have to wash my hands off this one!
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
Why did the chicken with one hand cross the road?
To go to the second hand shop! My Dad told me this joke 20Y ago when I asked him for money to go shopping. I still giggle everytime I shop in second hand stores
π︎ 32
π
︎ May 31 2020
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
π︎ 95
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 138
π
︎ Mar 26 2020
What do I have if I have 8 red LEGO bricks in one hand and 16 blue LEGO bricks in the other hand?
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 01 2020
If I have 23 apples in one hand, and 33 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 10 2020
What do you have if you 4 apples and 2 oranges in one hand and 3 lemons and a grapefruit in the other hand?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 19 2020
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?
She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 10 2020
I can count on one hand how many times I've visited Chernobyl
π︎ 141
π
︎ Aug 05 2019
My wife and a hand grenade have one thing in common
Remove the ring and my house is gone
π︎ 119
π
︎ Aug 05 2019
SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card*, DAD: You know, one would have been enough.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
π︎ 233
π
︎ Dec 11 2018
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorryβ¦I don't understand."
My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 30 2017
Two British cuttlefish are in the pub. One hands the other a sorry-looking cephalopod and saysβ¦
Hereβs the sick squid I borrowed off you.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 02 2019
On the one hand I'm kind of lazy,
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 02 2019
This one got out of hand pretty quick.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 27 2018
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Oct 03 2018
I tried to quit masturbation, but I couldn't...because on one hand, it feels good...ο»Ώ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 01 2018
If you have 16 melons in one hand and 34 in the other what do you have
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 07 2018
when you buy a new watch one of the part will still be second hand
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 21 2018
I had a dream last night where I was driving with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other...
I was tossing and turning all night...
π︎ 54
π
︎ Mar 22 2018
If you have one piΓ±on in one hand, and two piΓ±ons in the other hand, what do you have?
A difference of a piΓ±on.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 11 2018
I have 2 coins in my hand with a total value of 6 cents, and one of the coins isn't a nickel.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Sep 09 2016
If I have 6 apples in one hand, and 8 in the other, what do I have?
π︎ 210
π
︎ Dec 22 2014
Moses was a terrible actor. He only ever got one part. That bush, on the other hand, was straight up lit.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 10 2018
Dad hands my brother his unopened mail saying there's a check in the top one.
Sure enough, he opens it and a check comes out.
> Bro: How did he know?
> Me: I bet he checked.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 01 2017
If you have a moth ball in one hand and another moth ball in the other - what do you have?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 14 2017
Did you hear the one about the extremely gifted, hand-less, vegetarian computer programmer who could type with his toes?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 27 2017
My coworker tried to grab a heavy bag off the top shelf with one hand.
I told him he shouldn't do things half-grasped.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 20 2016
How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Don't worry about it. You'll probably never find an elephant with just one hand.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jul 21 2014
Hand me the 1" spade bit. "Which one's the spade bit?"
The one without the ovaries.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Sep 21 2015
What do you have when you've got a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in another?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 19 2016
I can stand on one hand
Okay so one night the whole families just laughing around, having fun.. when my dad randomly says, I bet you I can stand on one hand.
Naturally, we were all baffled, so we let him try.
He got up and told me to get on my hands and knees on the floor. I was quite, weirded out at this point but I did it anyway.
He comes up to me and stands on my hand which was on the floor. -.- D:
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 08 2014
I think we all know what dads do with one of these in their hands.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 12 2013
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 203
π
︎ Nov 11 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Aug 16 2018
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you donβt
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
I can count the number of times Iβve been to Chernobyl on one hand.
π︎ 109
π
︎ May 11 2019
Always think very carefully before getting married. On one hand you get to wear a cool ring, and on the other you donβt.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 308
π
︎ Apr 11 2019
My husband tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and asked, "How do one armed Dads do it?". And without missing a beat I replied, "Single handadly".
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
I can count on one hand how many times I visited Chernobyl
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 21 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 17 2019
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Mar 27 2019
If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
If you have 17 apples in one hand and 14 apples in the other hand, what do you have?
π︎ 353
π
︎ Oct 03 2017
Danny had 5 Apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other, what does Danny have?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 01 2019
I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl...
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 30 2019
I can count the amount of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 29 2018
On the other hand, the left glove is the right one.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 04 2017
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
