I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand store.
π︎ 29
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I saw a one handed man go into a second hand store.
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 03 2020
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
π︎ 62
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︎ Feb 04 2020
My dad just handed me a pig in a blanket Dad: Would you care for one of these
Me: Only if it needed me..
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 30 2019
A Marine Biology student was compiling a list of all the sea creatures they could find on Wikipedia. The next day they handed it in to their Professor, who took one look at it and said..
π︎ 10
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︎ May 07 2019
One day my dad handed me a river stone...
... it was a pretty stone, well rounded and a smooth surface.
Dad: "This is a very special stone, you should give it to your girlfriend."
Me: "Um... OK, sure."
Dad: "Do you know what kind of stone this is?"
Me: "A river stone? No, not really..."
Dad: "They call it a 'Sex Stone'."
Me: Raises eyebrow "Oh?"
Dad: "Do you know why they call it that?"
Me: "Why?"
Dad: "Because it's just another fucking rock."
ΰ² _ΰ²
Well, I still have it on my bookshelf, and she's now my wife, so sure.
π︎ 65
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︎ Sep 15 2014
My kids are such a handful I donβt think one nanny is enough
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Just going to have to wash my hands off this one!
π︎ 66
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︎ Jun 17 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 10k
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︎ Oct 15 2019
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldnβt get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 01 2020
Why did the chicken with one hand cross the road?
To go to the second hand shop! My Dad told me this joke 20Y ago when I asked him for money to go shopping. I still giggle everytime I shop in second hand stores
π︎ 30
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︎ May 31 2020
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
π︎ 97
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︎ Apr 11 2020
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 139
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︎ Mar 26 2020
If I have 23 apples in one hand, and 33 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 10 2020
What do I have if I have 8 red LEGO bricks in one hand and 16 blue LEGO bricks in the other hand?
π︎ 2
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︎ May 01 2020
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?
She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 10 2020
What do you have if you 4 apples and 2 oranges in one hand and 3 lemons and a grapefruit in the other hand?
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 19 2020
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980βs and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
π︎ 480
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︎ Jan 21 2021
I can count on one hand how many times I've visited Chernobyl
π︎ 142
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︎ Aug 05 2019
My wife and a hand grenade have one thing in common
Remove the ring and my house is gone
π︎ 120
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︎ Aug 05 2019
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorryβ¦I don't understand."
My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
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︎ Apr 30 2017
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
π︎ 232
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︎ Dec 11 2018
I've been trying to come up with a clever name for an amputee support group.
π︎ 245
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︎ Jul 09 2020
SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card*, DAD: You know, one would have been enough.
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 02 2019
I was helping my family to clean up after dinner today.
I walked into the kitchen to put some things away. I had some used silverware in one hand, and a tub of butter, a bag of cheese, and a pouch of sour cream in the other. I approached the sink to put the silverware inside when I accidentally dropped the tub of butter on the ground. My sister, who was at the sink at the time, looked at me and said: "That doesn't go there!" I picked up the tub, looked at her, and said:
"Sorry. Butterfingers."
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 07 2021
That's one weird hand.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 27 2019
When I play cards I like to be the one handing cards out.
It's the I deal situation.
π︎ 31
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︎ Apr 12 2019
This one got out of hand pretty quick.
π︎ 18
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︎ Oct 27 2018
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...
...right in front of a house where thereβs a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. Thereβs a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.
Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldnβt mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesnβt budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.
A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy heβs ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.
With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, βThank you.β
As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...
βThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.β
π︎ 996
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︎ Oct 21 2020
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
π︎ 61
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︎ Oct 03 2018
I once saw an one handed man in a second hand store
I said to him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for sir.β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
What is the one handed man's favourite store?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 15 2014
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Aug 16 2018
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 202
π
︎ Nov 11 2019
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 308
π
︎ Apr 11 2019
I can count the number of times Iβve been to Chernobyl on one hand.
π︎ 107
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︎ May 11 2019
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you donβt
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 25 2019
Always think very carefully before getting married. On one hand you get to wear a cool ring, and on the other you donβt.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
I can count on one hand how many times I visited Chernobyl
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 21 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 17 2019
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Mar 27 2019
If you have 17 apples in one hand and 14 apples in the other hand, what do you have?
π︎ 357
π
︎ Oct 03 2017
If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
π︎ 19
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︎ Jun 07 2019
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