Old School Puns

I love being a sniper.

A gnudist!

Son: “no dad, we’re walking late.”

“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.

Me-Dad: “Nope never seen her either”.

Because she’s all dressed.

When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.

We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.

Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!

... Totally in my Element.

So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.

I think it's just a stereotype.

The fly didn’t stand a chance...

Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?

Her: Paper.

I was so proud.

I said, "you're a groan man! Don't be sheepish--ewe can handle it."

He walked away with a spring in his step.

Luckily no one was hurt.

I wonder what Ella meant to Reese..

The ruler.

Because he was all about the con ami code

Me: Oh, what happened to your two front teeth?

Girl: Oh, I lost them!

Me: Well I hope you find them!

NYU LAN-gone

I refuse to let them receive anything less than a first class education.

What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor.

"What cats like to play on a computer?"
"Cats that want the mouse?"
"Nope"
"Okay, what cats like to play on a computer?"
"Tabby cats!"

I said lets stop, get its tail and she could bring it in for show n' tail.

She slowly lowered her head and face palmed.

Me: What did they have at the farm?

Son: Pumpkins and gourds.

Me: Did you get to pick one out to take home?

Son: I got a gourd because it looked cool. /shows us multi colored, striped gourd

Me: Gourd for you!

Son: /slightly confused... Yes, I got this gourd.

Me: So... would you say you had a ... gourd time?

Wife: /groans

Son: Ya, I had a gourd time.

Wife: /groans again.

Wife: Really?!

Me: He gets these jokes now. He's all... gourd up now.

Wife: STOP!

Son: Oh, gourd!

So I Have never been close to my dad because he is old school. You know, republican, really catholic, really fit, clean hair cut, big sports fan, etc. He can be funny but really only shows his fun side with the little kids in the family or his brothers.

Well my little sister is incharge or answering the house phone and when she was younger this happened a lot:

Sister: hello?(pause) hangs up phone Dad: who was it? Sister: nobody Dad: oh, i told him to stop calling. Well what did Nobody want? Sister: What ? Dad: you said Nobody called, i asked what he wanted. Sister: Nooooo, nobody called Dad: i know he called, what did he want

This would go on for a while