The Beatles were anxious that their name might turn off pun enthusiasts.
βCause insects puns really bug them...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 16 2020
The bomb didn't want to go off.
π︎ 614
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...
...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
π︎ 431
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying heβd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around, eventually.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ May 17 2020
My wife told me she's slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer !
Don't worry guys, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
π︎ 64
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...
π︎ 11k
π
︎ May 08 2020
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 07 2020
My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning
π︎ 312
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 09 2020
Just going to have to wash my hands off this one!
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
Snores loudly and car careens off road
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon.
π︎ 80
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
I was clothes shopping with my daughter and she saw pants she really liked on a mannequin and said, "Dad these are 60% off!"
I responded, "Looks like they're all the way on to me."
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
Literally took the heat off!
π︎ 112
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Why did the Indian restaurant take their bread off the appetizer menu?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
As the bears ripen, they become heavier and eventually fall off π
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
I knew my dad's influence would eventually pay off.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
I was dropping my kid off when I saw a wild Buffalo charging him
I yelled βBison!β
He looked back at me, waved, and said βbye dad!β
Poor kid never even saw the Buffalo before he got speared...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
Just a hare off the mark
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Feb 25 2020
I showed my friend my pond, including the best fishing spots and the place where the bank drops off...
I wish the First National would stop sending their packages to my pond's address...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
the rest of the world gradually contracted coronavirus. china got it right off the bat.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off?
Oh, heβs all right now...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
What do you call a man who falls off a rocky ledge but holds on long enough to
Cliff Hanger... Or Mr Hanger if your being formal.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
Historically, the Scottish fought off a British Invasion force 20x as big as their own
The British were simply out-plaid
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.
But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 24 2020
Pirates of yore would get a treasure chest off a looted vessel and often hear voices coming from the chest saying "yoo hoo!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
There were two olives on a table. One olive rolled off the table and hit the floor. The olive on the table looked at the olive on the floor and asked him βare you alright?β The olive on the floor looked up at the olive on the table and said
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 03 2020
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building...
He yells,β Donβt do it, you have too much potentialβ
π︎ 150
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
What should you say if a tornado blows off 25% of your roof?
π︎ 85
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
I had a cat that loved to eat string off the floor when he found any.
It must have been good for his diet. It's high in fibers.
(Made from a true story)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 19 2020
My wife couldn't take her bra off.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
I thought my airplane joke would really take off
But instead it just crashed and burned
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
Vans: Off The Wall
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
My friend had his whole left side cut off in an accident
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
My cat got on my bathroom counter and started knocking things off
It was counter-productive
(My cat didnβt laugh at it either)
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
What noise does a bird make when he jacks off?
flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Dec 22 2019
Hats off to all the doctors and health care professionals
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
Had a painter round. He said he was a laid off US Airline pilot ..
Made a great job of the landing ..
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat.....
... cause if they fell forwards they end up on the deck.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
I asked my boss, βCan I have a week off around Christmas?β He growled, βItβs May!β
I countered, βSorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?β
π︎ 129
π
︎ May 05 2020
Why do I hate shopping for paddles when they're 50% off?
It's just too much of an oar deal.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
Based off Pokemon
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick OβShea.
π︎ 336
π
︎ Apr 12 2020
Elon Musk just cracked a great joke about going to Mars, was it off the cuff?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, βhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, βare you a vet?β
He said, βvet? Iβm fucking soakingβ
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 07 2020
They're singing off key
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 27 2020
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel's hair isn't chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 06 2020
I bought a dog off a blacksmith
As soon as i brought him home he made a bolt for the door..
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 28 2020
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
Theyβve been working tirelessly to find him
π︎ 97
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
I'm not gay, but one time I was in a wild mood and let a guy jack off into my face. I don't even know if it was a guy tbh, it hardly even looked human. Idk what came over me
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
Someone ran by and grabbed all of our masks right off our faces.
It was a de-mask-us steal.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
a joke my dad told that took 2 weeks to pay off
(the joke makes more sense in dutch)
My dad talking to my nephew about his pet horse he used to have.
"My horse was an oddball, wherever we'd go he'd look for water to splash around in. one time we went to the beach and he'd jump into the water and swim around."
Two weeks later we're hanging out and my aunt tells dad she heard the story about his horse, and asked what kind of horse it was.
"a seahorse"
(in dutch he talked about a dog, and a seal in dutch is "zeehond" (seadog))
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
Who gets jazzed up to dry off people in suits of armor after dark?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
π︎ 42
π
︎ May 18 2020
My wife just texted me about a new mattress she found online for $600 off
I replied βDonβt you think we should sleep on it first?β
π︎ 32
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
As I got off the chairlift, I came to the realization that skiing is not for me.
It all went downhill from there.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 26 2020
Players just canβt seem to keep their hands off this new board game..
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
Today I couldnβt take my hat off.
I guess you could say it was in caps lock.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 30 2020
The fugitive who made off with all that anise and fennel;
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 30 2020
People are so sad Iβm not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
π︎ 504
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
We went camping and heard some motorcycles off in the distance
There must be some wild hogs in the area
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
I accidentally cut off my right hand today
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
So i pulled this one off at dinner last night
Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.
Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:
Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
"Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?"
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up."
(my actual amputee father)
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 16 2019
Two elephants and a cymbal fell off a cliff...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
A large cat just carried off one of my tennis shoes!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
But he did get swept off of his feet
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 02 2020
I don't post off fin...
π︎ 70
π
︎ Mar 21 2020
I was prescribed medication but I couldn't take it. It was too hard to get the lid off. You might have heard of it...
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 17 2020
I accidentally killed off my herb garden twice. As I replanted it yet again I thought to myself...
"Third thyme's a charm."
--
Based on a true story. Wife's eyeroll suggested this 100% belonged here.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 29 2020
Iβm the kind of guy that would yell βLanguageβ whenever anyone curses. My friend yelled out the F-bomb. I said βLanguage.β She then flipped me off.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 19 2020
Why do fish always sing off key ?
π︎ 50
π
︎ Apr 10 2020
Lost a pea off my plate at dinner.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 12 2020
Did you hear about the guy whoβs left side was cut off?
π︎ 703
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?
It's ok, he's all right now.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
What did the buffalo say when dropping his kid off for school?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?
It's ok, he's all right now.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
I accidentally cut off my left hand today
But on the other hand, I feel all right
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 23 2020
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 16 2020
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