The sound from a musician on stage bounces off an auditoriums walls to surround the audience, however

The sound from a pigeon does not, because a coo sticks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heightsenberg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Why is my stud finder constantly going off even when it isn't touching the wall?

Oh wait... I'm holding it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ndisa44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I took some money off the wall…

Now I hear my roommate saying, "Where's wall dough?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.

His name is Rick O’Shea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-polymath
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.

It was a loco motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Did you hear the Pillsbury Dough Boy fell off the wall with Humpty?

He says he's good dough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nvflip
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Did you hear about the Irishman who bounces off walls?

His name is Rick o'shay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toolaroola12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

credit: /u/Mustardbyname at /r/Jokes/comments/d2ngk7/its_my_cake_day_today_so_ill_give_you_one_of_my/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaaqqq
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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What do you call and Irishman bouncing off the walls?

Rick O'Shea (Not my joke, saw it on Twitter)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danlehavj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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I have a friend who is constantly bouncing off the walls

I think his name is Rick O'shea

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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What did the mirror say after falling off the wall?

On reflection that was a bad idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neudeu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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My dad ran over a cat one day. I suggested he scrape it off the road and put it's rear on the wall.

Because it was his Cat-Ass-Trophy

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2015
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What did the mirror say when it jumped off the wall?

"I crack myself up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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I was walking past a prison the other day and saw a midget escaping down the wall. I waved to him, but all he did was flip me off.

It was a little condescending.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/damnitjake
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
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The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Breaking news:

Humpty Dumpty has fallen off the wall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJWIZARD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Two guys at the funny farm

Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, β€œWe can get out of here.”

The other guy says, β€œWe can?”

He says, β€œYes.”

The other guy says, β€œHow?”

The first guy says, β€œI’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”

The guy says, β€œYou really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”

(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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There was a suspicious β€˜accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Can anyone recommend a builder?

I’ve been looking to get some masonry work done on a garden boundary outside my house, but the last builder I used ripped me off. He turned up with Pink Floyd blasting on his radio, laid one stone and then left, and he hasn’t been seen since.

I’m a bit disappointed by it, but all in all it’s just another brick in the wall...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hufc1908
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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I went to the dentist and was so bored...

I decided to eat his wall clock to see if I could pass the time. It was rather time consuming. At first I was going to just eat the hours away, but I was still hungry afterwards so I went back for seconds. My doctor didn't notice at first, but when he used the stethoscope on me, he heard it - he was ticked off. He tocked to me and said that eating clocks is actually slightly dangerous, but the dangers are *minute.*Afterwards, I did more research on timekeeping devices and became clockwise. Sundial.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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Construction with dad

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekhnomancer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shigglesmcwhigley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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My dad loves helping people move

We were helping an old lady move out of her apartment when my dad decides to get funny. He takes a clock off the wall and holds it out of the door and says "time out." We all just give him a stare and then he holds up the clock and says "I guess times up for these jokes." I just shook my head and decided I can't wait to be a dad.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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Dad's encounter with cat

My dad was a carpenter and would start to tell me a story in such an honest way I thought for sure he was serious;

"Ya know, this one time we were building this house, and this damn cat kept coming in and bothering us all day. So my buddy Jimmy put some gas in a cap and the cat drank the whole thing... Suddenly, it jumped up and ripped all over the room bouncing off walls and crashing into everything. Then, it just fell over....."

waits for you to say

"Did it die?"

"Nope. Ran outta gas."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mofo34
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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Got my friends at the climbing gym

We were looking at the routes on a slab wall and I said "Falling off always sucks, but on THAT wall, it's just a slab in the face."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2016
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How to do the stud finder joke - a step by step guide (may not work for all models of stud finder)

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsgunn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
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My mom hit me with this dadjoke after I went rock climbing

I posted this to facebook:
>Oh god I can't move. Satisfying day at the rock gym.

My mom replied to the post with this:
> I'm sure there are climbing wall in other cities too.

I laughed my butt off and showed it to my boyfriend. He sadly didn't get it and I had to explain it to him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oowth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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Dadjoked by my step dad

My step dad and my mom were going to go on a motorcycle ride since he got it working today, and he yelled up the stairs to tell me.

Him: Hey, your mom and I are going on a bike ride!

Me: Okay.

Him: Your mom also said that there is Michellena's in the freezer (Michellena's is a really fucking cheap frozen dinner thing).

Me: Okay, thanks!

Him: Maybe you should let her out!

The house got really quiet and all you could hear was my sigh echoing off the walls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floodimoo123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.

The reason is a coo sticks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlosMingos22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/confusedcornish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke

What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymous8776
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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My grandpa sent me this email. King of dad jokes.
  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

  14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

  16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

  17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

  19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  21. A backward poet writes inverse.

  22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

  23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattybreit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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