A list of puns related to "Rock With You"
1
because paper always beats rock
Husband: I love U2!
Fans say he had an ausome Solo.
Don't cry.
You've been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth mineral
Hitting ROCK bottom. 😊
They have a high climb rate
A ge-ode.
You stabbed the Rock with a sword and pulled it out
His first shot is right down the middle, but the second shot lands in a sand trap. He swings hard. The ball clears the trap but hooks badly. A famous rock group is walking by. The ball ricochets off the side of the head of Mick Jagger, killing him instantly. It bounces off the head of Keith Richards, killing him too, but then lands on the green and rolls into the cup.
Yep, you got it, he killed two Stones with one birdie.
Reading the nameplate on her desk the frog begins, “Good morning Miss Whack, my name is Kermit and I need a loan.”
“Okay Kermit, I’ll need some more information, named after your father, the famous muppet, I assume?”
“No, but I get that a lot. It’s Jagger, my dad is the rock star Mick Jagger”
“Oh I apologize Mr. Jagger, didn’t realize Mick had any frog children. The last thing we’ll need is some sort of collateral to guarantee the loan. “
Kermit Jagger reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small plastic elephant and puts it on the desk between them saying “I think this will suffice.”
Looking down in confusion at the trinket she says “this is rather unusual Mr Jagger, I’ll need to consult with my manager.” Shouting into the next office she says, “Bob can you come in here for a second?”
“What’s up Patty?” The manager asks.
“Kermit here just gave me this plastic elephant as collateral for a loan. Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Of course” Bob responds. “It’s a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
An emperor decided his population was rising too fast and decided to decrease the numbest. Bunches of generous birth and death control methods did he come up with, but the most dastardly scheme was the Neat Edict. His subjects, however, bitterly called it The Press Test.
The emperor, you see, founded a law that anyone found wearing rumpled clothing, after being fined, would find a rock, then use his or her (or their) own forehead(s) as an iron...to press and press to reduce the crinkles in the clothes to half, then half of that, then half of that... As the victims wept, the soldiers jeered at the poor souls and mocked them: "Press! Press! They were halving a bawl.
To the despot's calculated glee, no one could pass The Press Test. As sure as waking up with a sniffle, everyone starts off with a crumple in the blouse and more get added as the day goes by. So there was no shortage of victims squirted into The Press Test arena.
First it was 12 creases legislated, then 5. It soon became Three and then One, before ending in none. By slowly reducing the number of creases permitted in clothing, the whole population was soon caught up in the Emperor's net. It was most unfair, but no matter how hard they pressed for freedom from The Press, the population steadily dwindled.
The approximately equally wicked emperor of the next fiefdom, taking sadistic note, invited his neighbour over to congratulate him. "How did you achieve that?", Vile asked Evil over a poisoned lunch.
Clutching at the tablecloth as he went down writhing, he nevertheless had a last grasp answer:
"By gradual decrees"
My little 5 yo girl went to show and tell today with her little acoustic guitar. When I picked her up there was a small rock in guitar. I asked her “why did you put a rock in your guitar, did you want to play rock and roll?”
First off a six-parter
No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?
A: he was wearing a naval uniform.
Anyone know similar nonsense?
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.
Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.
When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.
The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.
The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.
Scissors always cut to the point.
Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.
When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.
Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”
i c e i c e w a t e r
Architecture is an aspiring career path.
‘Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.
I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.
Plants should always rooted in the ground.
Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.
Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.
Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.
Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.
My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.
I am not a fan of wind turbines.
Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.
Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.
Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.
Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.
A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.
I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.
Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.
Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.
Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled “TubaChristmas in July,” which had “Hallelujah” by Pentatonix, “Carol of the Bells,” “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and “Have Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, “Paint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).
I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.
My wife and I welcomed our new daughter this week. The wife wanted some classic rock while she was pushing. We were all there, the doctor, the main nurse (with whom we were joking all day long) and a few other nurses. This was the moment of truth.
Suddenly, the Scorpions' "Rock you like a hurricane" comes on, and my wife exclaims: "This is exactly what I need to pump me up!! She is going to be a Scorpion!"
To which I replied "Actually, she'll be a Sagittarius"
The nurse looked at me surprised, cracked up, the wife rolled her eyes, and a few breaths later my daughter was born.
I have never been prouder to be a dad.
Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”
And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:
“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”
I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)
Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.
So as the title said, I started training today for my new job and we had a huge meeting with all of the heads of the business and one of the heads gave everyone rocks that symbolized something or other.
I look at the rock, then at my two coworkers and say "Hey guys, do you wanna get stoned?" They groaned, as was expected, so I continued with, "Come on guys, don't be so rough on me. Making these puns was pretty hard."
My boss comes up and says "I think your puns rock".
I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.
Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.
Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.
You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”
FORGET LOVE… I’
... keep reading on reddit ➡… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
What do you call a kung fu vegetable? Brock Lee!
(Brock Lee is said like broccoli)
I'd live to know if this is any good because I think this is a original?
How I came up with the joke (if you carrot all): I thought of it while eating broccoli and watching Naruto. (There is a character named Rock Lee and the joke soon came to light)
What animal can fly and eats stones? the flying stone eater.
How does an elephant come out of a river? Wet.
How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge? You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door.
How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground? It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it.
What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint.
What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.
What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees? The fridge with the giraffe inside.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees? Elephant snot.
What's wet and has wheels? The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels.
So I had to pack up a bowl at work today and while i was doing so i annoyed my coworkers with every bowl based pun i could think of
"Hey guys, if we put doritos in here would they have a BOWLder flavor"
"If i lost all my hair would I have gone BOWLD"
"we could fill this with rocks and call this a BOWLder"
"I really like the music of David BOWLie"
"we can slide this at some pins and call it BOWLing"
"what if we were sending this back to BOWLing green Kentucky"
"we can fill it with air and call it a BOWLoon"
"I'm just trying to fit in guys, all i wanna do is BOWLong"
"Of course i think you're telling the truth, i guess you can say I BOWLieve you"
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
You’re obsessed with rocks to a fault
So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.
It's a Lavalier mic.
I was showing my dad some pictures from my trip to Europe. He saw a picture of a rock covered with moss and said, "I'm lichen that!"
For Christmas dinner we were having ham. The plate of carved ham was between my dad and I. Someone asked where the plate went. My dad says,"We're hoggin' it."
There was a store in my home town called carols cedar cellar. It was damaged in a flood and they knocked the building down exposing the basement. We drive by and my dad says,"Now you can cedar cellar."
I have so much to learn.
We walk into a restaurant and are immediately seated, and several minutes later our waiter comes to greet us and asks if we'd like to start with anything.
Dad: Uh, you know, I think we're going to need a few more minutes to decide.
Waiter: Of course! I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes. No Rush!
Dad: looks at me Huh... I wonder what she has against Canadian rock bands from the 80's...
Actual conversation with my wife this afternoon.
Me: If they named schools after their most famous alum, then I would have gone to "Duane, 'The Rock' Johnson High."
Wife: I suppose so.
Me: Home Economics enrollment would go through the roof.
Wife: confused Why?
Me: So they could smell what The Rock is cooking.
Wife: Oh God, you are SUCH a Dad.
Edit: I apparently can't apostrophe.
As part of my job (I'm a cashier) I'm required to ask people how everything was. Almost every Dad says the exact same thing: "terrible". They then stare at me to see my reaction. When I laugh it off, they say "but what if I Had been serious?" In a very condescending way and make me feel bad for laughing. What I usually do is say "You're not being serious are you?" They say no with a little laugh and an awkward silence follows.
My friends suggested I take my acting to the next level and act genuinely concerned, turning the situation around. But I think there's a funnier solution. Any help?
Another thing: Our food rocks. There's no way they're being serious.
This is an older story, I think it was roughly 98 or 99. My little brother was getting into rock and was listening to Limp Biskit and Korn. He saved up some money to get a CD so my dad took him to Sam Goody. My little brother gets the newest hit record by Korn and brings it to the counter and check out. With my dad by his side, he places the record on the counter and the late nineties rocker chick, loaded up with tons of eye liner and hot topic wear working the cash register says "oh yeah! I love Korn, I know everything about them, I have all their records." Without a fucking second thought and the straightest face, my dad says "I guess that makes you a little corny."
> johnmal85
> Is there a subreddit with pictures of stuff in lava or hardened like this?
> > memorizemee
>> I'd try r/lava, but its pretty much dead.
> > > confluencer
> > > So are you telling me that /r/lava has cooled down?
> > > > memorizemee
> > > > God damn it...
Sauce: http://np.reddit.com/r/bitchimabus/comments/2ctipf/bitch_i_have_been_consumed_by_molten_rock/cjiwrjy
Laying in bed with my girlfriend with the lights out, waiting to driff off... when out of no where
Me: I start singing the guitar sounds for sabbath bloody sabbath
Her: "what are you-"
Me: "shut up! I'm trying to ROCK myself to sleep"
The lights were off but you could just feel the stupid giggle face I was making.
So my younger brother was talking about his Latin class and how on Fridays his teacher has culture friday, or a lesson on Greek Mythology. He was talking about the myth he learned about last week when my dad replied with this...
Brother: "Last week we learned about syphilis and how he pushes the rock up the hill again and again."
Dad: "I think you mean sisyphus, syphilis was a Greek god but he was a real dick."
I laughed, my mom groaned, and my brother sat there confused. A successful family dinner if you ask me.
His first shot is right down the middle, but the second shot lands in a sand trap. He swings hard. The ball clears the trap but hooks badly. A famous rock group is walking by. The ball ricochets off the side of the head of Mick Jagger, killing him instantly. It bounces off the head of Keith Richards, killing him too, but then lands on the green and rolls into the cup.
Yep, you got it, he killed two Stones with one birdie.
His first shot is right down the middle, but the second shot lands in a sand trap. He swings hard. The ball clears the trap but hooks badly. A famous rock group is walking by. The ball ricochets off the side of the head of Mick Jagger, killing him instantly. It bounces off the head of Keith Richards, killing him too, but then lands on the green and rolls into the cup.
Yep, you got it, he killed two Stones with one birdie.
His first shot is right down the middle, but the second shot lands in a sand trap. He swings hard. The ball clears the trap but hooks badly. A famous rock group is walking by. The ball ricochets off the side of the head of Mick Jagger, killing him instantly. It bounces off the head of Keith Richards, killing him too, but then lands on the green and rolls into the cup.
Yep, you got it, he killed two Stones with one birdie.
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