What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopsaLau
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I tried to talk to my daughter about her chicken nuggets obsession, it didn't go well.

It was a tender subject.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Why panning the river in my brain, this lil' gold nugget came to me.

What do you call a Dinosaur that knows everything?

A herd-it-before!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yolosute
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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A teeny golden nugget i found on Duolingo
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oedynn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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My toddler asked me to give her chicken nuggets a checkup.

After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toxic_turtle2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Birds descended from dinosaurs, and yet what is the most recognizable bird to a 5 year old? A dinosaur Chicken Nugget! There is a joke in there somewhere I need someone to tell it!

I know there is a joke in there somewhere, Now I just need someone to tell it to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moneywerm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Why was the chicken nugget afraid of the chicken strip?

Because he was a top con-tender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFlyingCrate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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My Dad used to hit me with this one every chance he got. As a soon to be father, I cant wait to drive my own son nuts with this gold nugget.

on any unexpected car ride

Me: "Dad, where are we going?"

Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.

Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wmdonovan23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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β€œi have some emails to catch up on.” β€œi didn’t realize you put ketchup on your emails, i usually put it on my chicken nuggets”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexmeowwood
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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I had some wheat-gluten chicken nuggets the other day

They were so life-changingly good that I was inspired to share my experience with others.

I've become a seitan worshipper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebigbadben
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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This golden nugget got dropped in the kitchen.

Little sister - "When does the turkey come out?"

Dad - "I didn't even know it was gay!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Basilisk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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As a journalist, I love going to McDonalds.

There's nothing better than a secret source.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver?

Agstralia.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagClub
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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McDonald's now has outdoor seating again

Just wanted to give you that little nugget

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andexm
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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The waiter said to me, β€œI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I exclaimed, β€œGood! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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McPun

I was being annoying to receptionist of McDonald's , coz my food choices were not certain, she got angry and handed me McNuggets, and said β€œNugget the hell out of here”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garvitmastaadmi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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Girlfriend asked me to preheat the oven for her.

GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me?

Me: Sure what temp?

GF: Whatever the nuggets say.

Me: Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. Babe they aren't saying anything. I think they might be dead.

GF: I'm leaving you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Worst_Zed_NA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
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Hi Hungry! I'm Dad.

Dropped this nugget on my 9 year old for the millionth time in the car. 20 minute drive home from baseball practice . Today, he turned the tables. "Hi Driving, I'm Son. Hi Frowning, I'm Son. Hi Grimacing, I'm Son. Hi Twitching, I'm Son." So proud right now. #dadwin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hansbachman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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My 4 year old was complaining that the chicken in his burrito wasn't breaded

Son: I don't like chicken if it doesn't have a wrapper.

Dad: My favorite chicken rapper is M.C. Nugget.

My wife actually laughed at that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fort221
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2015
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Chicken

It's simple. Just fry the chicken. Which part of it did you nugget?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Assamreddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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My father has you all beat, I assure you.

We were working on getting him a new SSD for his work laptop and he dropped this little nugget: "If I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive, would that enable cloud computing?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derlique
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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Not necessarily a dad joke, but a good retiree joke/brief story just using that wit.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thefluffydinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Dad on running

Before every high school track meet, Dad would supply me with these two nuggets of wisdom:

"To run you must move your legs quickly" "The trick to winning a race is to get to the finish line before the other guy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/livthedragon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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Got my pops today. He didn't have patience.

Group text with the family.

Dad: Did the dog find any golden nuggets in the front yard?

Brother: Nope. Not this time. Hunting and tracking takes patients dad.

Dad: He gets his patients from me.

Me: But you're not a doctor.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
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Dad joke at Wendy's.

I was eating with a few friends of mine, browsing my phone, when a chicken nugget fell from my hand and landed right on my phone.

I was commented on the nice catch, to which I replied "That was a nice screen saver."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LulzitsMatty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
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Dad surprised us by telling us what's for dinner

So at the dinner table, asked my dad what each of the dishes were. First one? Dad replies "nuggets" (soya nuggets). Then I asked about the next one because it looked like the first one but was something else. Neither me or my dad could name it but before my mom had a chance to tell us, he tells us..."not-nuggets"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_enlightened1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
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About 10 years ago, my dog had puppies

Her breed was only supposed to have 2-3 per little, yet Pumpkin ended up squeezing out 7 of the little nuggets. So of course she had a lot of extra skin hanging from her belly. For the next 6 months, my dad took it upon himself to comment, "Oh Pumpkin, you look udderly ridiculous!" Followed by a hearty chuckle. Every. Time.

He would always look around to make sure at least one family member was there to appreciate this comedy gold. It got so bad that even the employees at his office begged him to stop.

But of course he did not, and will still bring it up every once in a while to this day.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
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