The Colonel of Truth
It was a tender subject.
What do you call a Dinosaur that knows everything?
A herd-it-before!
After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.
I know there is a joke in there somewhere, Now I just need someone to tell it to me
Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.
Because he was a top con-tender.
on any unexpected car ride
Me: "Dad, where are we going?"
Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.
Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH
They were so life-changingly good that I was inspired to share my experience with others.
I've become a seitan worshipper.
Little sister - "When does the turkey come out?"
Dad - "I didn't even know it was gay!"
There's nothing better than a secret source.
Agstralia.
A chicken tender
Just wanted to give you that little nugget
I exclaimed, “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”
I was being annoying to receptionist of McDonald's , coz my food choices were not certain, she got angry and handed me McNuggets, and said “Nugget the hell out of here”
GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me?
Me: Sure what temp?
GF: Whatever the nuggets say.
Me: Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. Babe they aren't saying anything. I think they might be dead.
GF: I'm leaving you.
Dropped this nugget on my 9 year old for the millionth time in the car. 20 minute drive home from baseball practice . Today, he turned the tables. "Hi Driving, I'm Son. Hi Frowning, I'm Son. Hi Grimacing, I'm Son. Hi Twitching, I'm Son." So proud right now. #dadwin
Son: I don't like chicken if it doesn't have a wrapper.
Dad: My favorite chicken rapper is M.C. Nugget.
My wife actually laughed at that one.
It's simple. Just fry the chicken. Which part of it did you nugget?
We were working on getting him a new SSD for his work laptop and he dropped this little nugget: "If I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive, would that enable cloud computing?"
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Before every high school track meet, Dad would supply me with these two nuggets of wisdom:
"To run you must move your legs quickly" "The trick to winning a race is to get to the finish line before the other guy"
Group text with the family.
Dad: Did the dog find any golden nuggets in the front yard?
Brother: Nope. Not this time. Hunting and tracking takes patients dad.
Dad: He gets his patients from me.
Me: But you're not a doctor.
I was eating with a few friends of mine, browsing my phone, when a chicken nugget fell from my hand and landed right on my phone.
I was commented on the nice catch, to which I replied "That was a nice screen saver."
So at the dinner table, asked my dad what each of the dishes were. First one? Dad replies "nuggets" (soya nuggets). Then I asked about the next one because it looked like the first one but was something else. Neither me or my dad could name it but before my mom had a chance to tell us, he tells us..."not-nuggets"!
Her breed was only supposed to have 2-3 per little, yet Pumpkin ended up squeezing out 7 of the little nuggets. So of course she had a lot of extra skin hanging from her belly. For the next 6 months, my dad took it upon himself to comment, "Oh Pumpkin, you look udderly ridiculous!" Followed by a hearty chuckle. Every. Time.
He would always look around to make sure at least one family member was there to appreciate this comedy gold. It got so bad that even the employees at his office begged him to stop.
But of course he did not, and will still bring it up every once in a while to this day.
