When going to a new job, everyone advises to start off on the right foot.
How can I when I have two left feet?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 01 2023
The US Airforce just invented a new type of strategic aircraft. It can fly back in time and hit enemy targets 2 days prior to a war start date
The Media is calling it the B-4 bomber
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 16 2023
My new yearβs resolution is to start finishing all my jokes
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 04 2023
I'm anxious to start my new workout program, but the gym is closed today.
I can't weight until tomorrow.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 20 2022
My new meds caused my hair to start falling out...
I better call my fuzz-ician.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 29 2022
Now that we're getting through the great prohibition on a great many substances, I'm going to start a new restaurant that serves artisanal "magical" foods...
We're calling it The Green Casino and our motto will be "THE STEAKS HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 18 2022
My New Yearβs resolution is to start collecting highlighters
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 20 2022
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jul 01 2021
With my mates, we decided to start our own, new country. It will be heavily centered around beer production and drinking.
It will be the first dem-hop-cracy.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 09 2022
Tomorrow I start my new job as a ski slope tester.
It's all downhill from here.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 03 2022
Ever since my doctor had me start this new medication, Iβve found myself writing additional lyrics to popular songs.
Must be an add-verse reaction.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 21 2021
Can anybody tell me why is it that whenever I start my brand new Ε koda
...there's a "Czech Engine" light on?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 15 2021
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.
So far I'm sticking to it.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
My neighbor is a farmer and asked for name suggestions for her new born calf that start with the letter J.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
I wanted to start writing music again, so I spent $500 on a new keyboard.
It's a half-a-grand piano.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
I decided to start a rock band whilst looking for a new job
We're called LinkedIn Park.
π︎ 83
π
︎ Feb 17 2017
I didn't recognize Paul Bettany as the villain in the the new Solo Start Wars movie.
I guess my Vision's going bad.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 24 2018
Since my cat is getting old, I'm gonna start calling him by a new name
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 25 2019
I haven't had much luck dating recently so I decided to start a new hobby; painting money I get from the bank.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
Start my new job at the butter factory tomorrow
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 03 2019
Start my new job as a hairdresser in Jamaica tomorrow.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 23 2018
I'm going to start a new toilet company
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 22 2015
I start my new job in Seoul next week....
I hope it's a good Korea move.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 11 2018
You could say trees who are trying to start a new life...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 18 2017
I decided to start trying out some new salsas
Itβs a nice change of Pace
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 29 2019
Ray Davies wanted to start a new band...
...but I heard he was unable to get the kinks out.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 10 2018
Have to take a drug test before I start my new job next week.
My dad asked if I was nervous, and if I was planning on studying for it before going in.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 16 2017
If four of you are going to start a new company
You will be called a quarter founder
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 10 2018
My New Year doesn't start for another 2 hours...
Don't tell me what happens. I love surprises!
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 01 2015
As a new dad, I'm off to a great start
Background: Wife and I took our son to his 1 month pediatrician appointment yesterday, where the only minor issue she noted was a slight flattening on the left side of his head because he likes to look one way instead of the other. Hilarity ensued when we got home.
Wife: "If we're not careful, our son is going to have to wear one of those special helmets because he'll have a flat head."
Me: "Then I guess it's a good thing we didn't name him Phillip!"
/cue rimshot
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 21 2014
As a new dad, I figure I should start coming up with some of my own jokes
How can you do math with your teeth?
When you go to the dentist and he gives you a shot some of your teeth will be numb and others will be number!
[this is the best wording I could come up with]
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 23 2013
I'm not a dad but my friend at work is and he just dropped this one when I asked him to start playing a new online game with me....
Sorry, but I'm mono-game-ous.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 12 2015
I'm just about ready to start my new years resolution
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
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