My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
My housemates are convinced the house is haunted
I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house.
I told her decepticons.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
Having been stuck at home for quarantine, my wife started having this recurring nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it Stalk Home syndrome.
Some Italians were throwing small lumps of dough composed of potatoes at my house
I guess they were Gnocching on my door
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
I'm considering adding carpet to my new house
If they do a good job I'll be floored.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
The pipes in my house leak
I think they are whistleblowers
I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says “namaste.”
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6
My house was painted a bright purple, so I changed it to brown, then purple again...
I went back to the fuchsia
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
Last night a thief entered my house looking for money
-What did you do?
-I started looking with him, I needed money
I saw a murder outside my house today...
All the crows were just sitting in my tree...
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."
"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
I was experimenting with the power grid of my house
The results were shocking
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
I'm thinking about covering the outside of my house in unhatched chickens
My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
It made me sick that my chimney started falling off the house.
Luckily I caught the flue
I bet my 4 kids $5 I could jump higher than my house
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
My wife said if I cleaned the house the reward would be sex.
My goodness, I wonder who with.
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.
I said, “Oi, what’s your game?”
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.
They're now covered and smothered.
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
My real estate agent lied.. he said my house had 1000 carpet area
I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there ..
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.
Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.
my friend richard bought a new house today
if you ask me its kinda a dick move
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house
He's actually pretty good! He made a great job of the landing.
My dad asked me, “Do you know why our neighbour’s house burned down?”
Me: Fireworks?
Dad: Yeah. Sadly it does.
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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