Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
π︎ 4k
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
π︎ 492
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
π︎ 14k
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I got hired to paint someoneβs home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, βwhy didnβt you charge for the paint?β I said, βdonβt worry about the paint. Itβs on the house.β
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︎ Feb 06 2021
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
π︎ 53
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︎ Jan 28 2021
My son left home to become a mime
We haven't heard from him since
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I just finished painting a customerβs home and they were surprised with the bill...
Them: βYouβve factored in all the labour, but what about the paint?β
Me: βItβs on the houseβ
π︎ 16
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︎ Mar 09 2021
My wife's home birth went miserably...
I guess you could say there was a midwife crisis.
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 26 2021
We have a box of dead batteries at home.
They are all free of charge
π︎ 63
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︎ Feb 08 2021
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, βSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?β
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Stay-at-home mutha.
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 02 2021
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
π︎ 28k
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︎ Sep 16 2020
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
So I brought my girlfriend home to meet my parents. She looks like my mum, sounds like my mum, even dresses like my mum..
π︎ 15
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︎ Mar 16 2021
How do shellfish find their way home?
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 17 2021
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
π︎ 67
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 441
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︎ Dec 26 2020
What do you call the feeling of taking off your COVID mask when you get home?
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 18 2021
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 968
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Because I always take my shit to the next level
π︎ 599
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︎ Feb 23 2021
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
π︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 01 2021
My holiday home neighbour planted a tall row of trees blocking my view.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 05 2021
I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler
Me: What'd you do today?
My toddler: Nothing
Me: Are you sure about that?
My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 11 2021
What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?
π︎ 18
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︎ Feb 25 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My wife came home from work stressed out from her day. I asked her how I could help, she asked me to draw her a bath.
I showed her the drawing I made, she replied βthat wasnβt really what I had pictured...β
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︎ Feb 27 2021
last gift on birthday
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
π︎ 701
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︎ Nov 15 2020
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Itβs a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and itβs a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 169
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My realtor asked me how I felt about the defects in the finish trim in my new home.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 07 2021
Bought a home pregnancy test.
Turns out, my house is pregnant.
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 07 2021
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
π︎ 385
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︎ Dec 21 2020
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
π︎ 45
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I have very fond memories of my dad arriving home, wearing his white t-shirt, black leather jacket, giving me the thumbs up, and saying 'Ayyyy'...
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 13 2021
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 88
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
π︎ 14k
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︎ Aug 08 2020
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 39
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︎ Jan 17 2021
There was a fly in my home.
So I called the SWAT team.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 13 2021
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
π︎ 46
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Archeologists will be digging for a lost village near my home. I hope they find some signs of life.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 18 2021
There was a alligator back home known for his crime-solving skills
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 23 2021
" I want her home before before midnight."
Date : "But you already own her home"
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 07 2021
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