Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
The Avengers tested positive so Iron man's been working from home
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
did you know that stippers dont have airconditioning in their homes?
So I brought a tree home for Christmas
My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"
I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
A classic Christmas movie
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-
“That’s not very mature!”
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
What's a pirates favorite part of his home?
What kind of homes do they have in Wakanda?
Schools today are serious about keeping sickness away. They even sent the espresso home today.
Because it was a little coffee.
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
What kind of flooring does the snake-loving architect design all of his homes with?
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,
Why should you always eat eggs benedict at home on Christmas?
Because there's no place like home for the hollandaise.
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!
I just read most auto accidents occur within 3 miles from home.
Late last night Mr Peanut was walking home through a bad neighborhood
I have been informed he was a-salted.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Bump…
Bump…
Bump…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Faster…
Faster…
FASTER…
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
And…
The coffin stops….
What do you call a mobile home for mentally insane horses?
A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.
He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
What did the lost bee say when he finally found his home?
Hive never been so happy.
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...
I got home from work angry and tired, so I asked my wife if she could make turkey and duck for dinner.
Working from home isn’t always great,
But I guess it is better than being in Office 365
Just came home to find all my doors and windows open, everything's gone!
Who would do that to another person's Advent Calendar?!
Apparently, I’ve been using counterfeit electricity at home.
I’m a victim of electron fraud!
What did the Buffaloes say when their kid left home?
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
Where on Earth have you been?
What did the Sun say to the Moon when it came home after it’s curfew?
“Have you been out all night?”
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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