Not all heroes snare crepes.
Tequila mockingbird
"NO WHEY!!!"
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Elephino
Sorry, wrong sub.
but it handles all my kneads.
Letter rip
Donut ask me....
Probably a lot less tasty.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
... when one accidentally fell out of my mouth and into the nut bowl. My girlfriend then asked: "So if I find a wet nut in there, I'm just supposed to act ca-shew?"
Yeah, I'm definitely putting a ring on her.
Tequila Mockingbird
My dad told me this a few months ago. And he loves to remind me of it every week. It is his dadiest dad joke. It makes him so happy and that makes me happy. Hope it made some of you smile!
Thinly sliced cabbage
While South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless.
Cashews are bankers.
Peanuts are urologists.
And Chestnuts are plastic surgeons.
That's just nuts!
Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there's a dog
A slow poke
I'm calling it Margarine of Eros.
You get a hajjpodge
She wasn’t impressed and just said, “K, so?”
He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.
As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.
Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.
When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,
"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"
Every morning I took him out for a drag.
BARFITE
It's a WoRsT cAsE sCeNaRiO
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
Mixed.
Not sure if this is allowed here. But I thought I’d give it a try.
I’m buying a stand mixer for my SO’s birthday. I was looking to add a note to the gift that’s punny. “I hope the treats you make with this are as sweet as you”. That ones terrible. I think?
But I would definitely love some help. Thank you.
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Stimulus Chex Mix
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
It is kneadless, to say.
They were staking out the joint.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡
El-eph-i-no
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog
#"NO WHEY!"
