My cat came up to me and meowed imploringly then started massaging my leg with its paws...
Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?
Because he was also a neck-romancer.
My massage therapist got fired...
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.
My wife is studying to become a massage therapist
All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook; I’ve got to clean. It’s tough.
But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.
Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.
Foot massages,
they're good for the sole.
My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek...
How would I describe the massage I had today?
The most expensive massage parlors make you feel the most energized
I hear some US states are considering reopening massage parlors. There's no happy ending in this scenario.
I’m not sure if I like my massage therapist.
She just rubs me the wrong way.
When I'm really feeling stressed out, I massage auto parts to relax...
Sometimes, I just knead a brake.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.
A little boy watched, fascinated as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful!" said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
This happened during my massage today
Massage Therapist: (Going over where is and isn't okay to massage) And where do you stand on your glutes?
Me: Well normally I sit on them but you're free to massage them.
Been thinking about starting a massage parlore that is also a bakery
Gonna name it Head, Shoulders, Kneeds, and Doughs
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...
...Since she can't look sideways anyways...
So I went to get a massage and I didn't really like the guy giving the massage,
I don't know I guess he just rubbed me the wrong way.
What do you call a massage therapist who hates women?
What do you call a massage from a cow?
A chiropractor’s sign at an event reads ‘free chair massage’.
“Chair massages? I would’ve brought mine in if I knew ahead of time.”
I was about to try this new massage parlor that just opened but..
I figured I'd wait until they work out all the kinks.
During my massage the therapist yanked my foot.
I couldn't tell if it was part of the massage or if she was just pulling my leg.
Where does a meatball go to get a massage?
Out of the blue, I decided to take my wife to a commercial establishment offering health and beauty treatment through such means as steam baths, exercise equipment, and massage
You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic
What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women?
Why did Robert Kraft (owner of the New England Patriots) get a happy ending at a massage parlor in Florida???
To get his balls deflated.
I was feeling tense so my girlfriend sent me a .gif to help.
My wife was reading an article about baby massages
Me: Do you think they work?
Her: I'm not sure.
Me: I don't think their fingers are strong enough.
Family and I are at the country fair when daughter number 2 notices a cow being massaged.
Daughter #2: Dad you know why we shouldn't buy milk from that cow?
Me: "No sweetheart why"?
Daughter #2: "With a snicker". "Because it's spoiled"!
My wife: "Groan".
Daughter #3: "Mooooooooo".
Edit: Quotes as requested.
There was some baby massage oil in the supermarket.
Impressive, I thought. I'm 25 and I don't know how to do a massage.
I like to sneak up behind women and give them massages
The ladies love it - they call me a massage-inist
-RIP Papa Franku
If you think men are better than women at giving fortunetellers backrubs, that’s massage a mystic.
My wife has been asking for massages...
My wife is pregnant and one of the big things to prepare for labor and birth is relaxation and massage. She's always saying "rub me, please", or "do you want to rub me?"
I'll always tell her "I do rub you, I rub you a rot."
Not many people knew that the spa is closed
A lot of them didn’t get the massage.
The man wanted to hit the complaint button during his massage but it was just out of reach
He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she really rubbed him the wrong way.
I got a massage today. I think the masseuse liked me.
She said I was super tight.
A friend bought me a massage.
The masseuse only worked on my front, so I didn't really enjoy it. I wish I could've given it back.
Why did the massage therapist have no friends?
She rubbed people the wrong way.
Got fired from the massage parlor.
I rubbed one of my clients up the wrong way.
My massage therapist got fired ...
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way
Today my wife offered to give me a full body massage.
I don't know why, but I don't really like my new massage therapist.
I guess she just rubs me the wrong way.
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