Bought a pick the other day and put it on my mantle.

It’s a hell of an ice breaker

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquigglesMcJiggly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.

I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 192
πŸ‘€︎ u/lancer611
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Son: what's that in the beer glass on the mantle? Me: well, that's your uncle Frank that's where he wanted his remains. It was his favourite beer stein. He always said it would be funny, never got why.

Son: maybe it's so he could be a frank in stein? Me: Dammit Frank!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boon904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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So I made some wooden letters spelling β€œspirit” for a mantle decoration.

My issue is that I rushed the β€œi” and the β€œt” and the bottoms are uneven so they won’t stay upright

I can’t stand it

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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A blind man accidentally hung a lion’s arse on his mantle instead of it’s head.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/stirling_s
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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When should you inject the earth with antidepressants?

When its suffering from poor mantle health.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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I went to see a psychologist after I discovered cracks in the hearth of my fireplace.

I told him I was having a mantle breakdown.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/notchase
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
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I went hunting for the first time ever last week.

The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/bort-bort-bort
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.

Now he's passed the mantle on to me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Wife was decorating the house for the fall

"I never know what to put on the fireplace mantle."

"You should put a bunch of Disney figurines on it, with the mouse in the middle... it can be the Mickey Mantle."

"I ... need to go vomit."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/kuzinrob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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