I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....
I now have $5.999,999,75c left.
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︎ Feb 26 2021
I wrote an essay in highschool about lottery winners who ended up losing. Apparently I thought this was way funnier than it is.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?
Because it's not a very good reactor
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...
Wife: Thatβs wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: βWeβreβ not going anywhere.
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︎ Oct 09 2020
My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket
It didnβt make any cents
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︎ Oct 11 2020
When my friend won the lottery he was alarmed out how many relatives started contacting him...
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︎ Aug 06 2020
A cow wins the lottery...
Needles to say he was over the mooooon
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︎ Jun 13 2020
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
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︎ Dec 03 2019
I won the lottery and squandered most of it on buying 17th century artwork and musical instruments.
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︎ May 25 2020
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.
What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?
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︎ Oct 22 2019
Did you hear about the builder who won the lottery? He was so shocked that he fainted and fell into a vat of concrete...
Apparently he's set for life!
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︎ Nov 24 2019
One day a man bought a lottery ticket...
To his surprise, when he scratched it off he had won a million dollars. The man picked up his phone right away to call his wife.
Man: βHoney, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!β
Wife: βThatβs amazing! Iβm so excited where are we going?!β
Man: βI donβt know where youβre going, but be out by 5!β
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︎ Oct 14 2019
A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"
She replied "I'd take half and leave you."
"Great!", "I won $12, here's $6...Stay in touch......"
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︎ Jul 20 2019
This weekβs winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
I mean, what are the odds?
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︎ Sep 02 2018
What do you call a psychic that wins the lottery?
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︎ May 18 2019
Get it? Luck. Lottery.
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︎ Mar 12 2019
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
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︎ Sep 26 2018
My friend recently got t-boned in his new car after winning the lottery. I asked him if he was a glass half full or glass half empty type of guy. He responded
Medium-well.
Edit: over-medium is for eggs
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︎ May 27 2019
What did the piss covered safe say to the man who won the lottery?
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︎ Jun 26 2019
What do you call a lottery in the safari?
A Gir-raffle!
Iβm not officially a dad till Oct 27 but I am one in the making!
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︎ Jun 16 2018
What do they call you if you win the lottery in Rio de Janeiro?
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︎ Mar 30 2019
Wanna know how my bald Sheep won the lottery?
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︎ Feb 09 2019
Did you hear about the baker who won the lottery but kept on working?
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︎ May 14 2018
I won the lottery and spent all my winnings on 17th century paintings and classical instruments
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︎ Oct 25 2017
My son said he would pay off his student debt if he won the lottery.
I wonder what he'd do with the remaining Β£5.
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︎ Sep 24 2018
Told my son if I win the lottery I'd give him half.
I won Β£50. I'm not sure if I should give him the Β£5 or Β£0.
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︎ Aug 15 2018
My dad told me he's fat because he once won a Brittish lottery...
... he gained a lot of pounds.
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︎ Apr 29 2017
I was talking to my dad about the Lottery...
Me: "Did you see the lottery hit 1.3 billion?"
Dad: "Yeah, thats a loto money."
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︎ Jan 10 2016
My dad's plans if he ever wins the lottery.
"If I had millions of dollars, I would buy a new butt because mine has a hole in it."
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︎ Aug 24 2013
Dad wins lottery, hilariously prolongs telling his kids. (video)
Edited so you don't have to wait as long as these poor guys did.
You'll probably want to turn on the subtitles.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHKGlQ0AyJs
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︎ Sep 25 2014
Son asked if we won the lottery
My wife and I were in the kitchen and my son knew we had bought a lottery ticket and asked if we had won. I said "Yeah, we won millions of dollars and forgot to mention it" my wife said "No, we didn't win a thing, not even a dollar." Hearing two different answers he had to think for a bit then said "Ok, I get it. Mom was being serious and Dad was being Dad."
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︎ Jan 03 2014
My dad everytime he buys a lottery ticket.
My dad: "May I get 1 lottery ticket?"
Cashier: "what kind?"
My dad: "the winning one!"
Every. Time.
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︎ Jan 21 2014
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