I don’t even like Pokémon just live puns
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Live savings spent in a second
“So what’s it like living in the mountains?”
It’s got it’s ups and downs
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Living with my friend Cole can be tough sometimes.
He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.
It's just Cole's law.
(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)
Wild Falcons live to be about 13. So all the Falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st Century.
They're Millennial Falcons
What do you call a witch that lives in the sand?
I don't know but I'm getting hungry.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living got arrested
Police say he was charged with counter fitting
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze.
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?”
It’s really hard for me to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
Why is it that nobody who lives within ten miles of Wisconsin's Forest Home Cemetery is allowed to be buried there?
Because they're all still alive!!
Long live Rudolph the red
Mrs. Dracula, from the living room: "Count Dracula!"
Count Dracula, from the basement:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."
What do you call an ex pimp who lives on the streets?
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....
.....the mammothematician.
What was the name of the vegetable that lived under the sea?
My wife works in animal medicine and rolled her eyes at me. "Where does a vet who specializes in neutering live?"
I took the kids to see Paw Patrol live
Mama troll was nowhere in sight.
Feel blessed to live in Hawai'i but apparently, I'm just not a funny guy. Every time I tell a joke, all I get is...
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
Why was the farmer given an award for acting as a living scarecrow?
Because he was simply outstanding in his field.
Why do they call the Engineer living at 4th Lane "Robert"?
Because his name was "Robert"
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
Where do sex worker monks live?
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since he’s moved away, he won’t paint any more.
I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...
Where do poor meatballs live ?
Did you hear about the mermaid who liked math?
Why are people that live on mountains smarter?
Because they have high-schools
What blade lives by the water?
Coming this fall to CBS, a new sitcom about a pair of actresses living in the 17th Century...
It’s called “2 Baroque Girls”.
What do you call two horses that live next to eachother?
While waiting for a school-related live stream, me and my friend decided to throw words at each other and make puns out of them. This is one of my most proudest puns.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
When I lived in Washington, DC, I formed a rock band with a friend who lived with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.
OC/DC, we called ourselves.
My friend makes a living off of being the sound of a clock.
Her actual words were, "I'm a tiktoker," but I knew what she meant.
I would say i live in africa but then id be lion
This one popped in my head out of nowhere.
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
My stressed out Mexican friend is moving to a place where one can live a life of ease on 100 centavos a day...
He needs a change of peso.
We live next door to the Pullovers.
They're a tight knit family.
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