I thought I was alone in the cemetery
but then I heard some body coffin.
What do you call a mouse that swears?
75 degrees one week, snow the next...
Folks, we're in the grips of a bipolar vortex.
I don't like to talk about my years spent working as a cinema usher.
I was in a dark place at the time.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ?
The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner.
There still were strings attached.
Amish men can’t motorboat their wives.
They can only row boat them.
I live in Wyoming, so I called my insurance to ask what would happen if Yellowstone ever erupted.
They said not to worry, I would be covered.
I met a magic genie and he gave me a single wish. I said "I wish I could be you."
The genue saud, "Weurd wush but OK u wull grant ut."
What is your favourite breakfast food?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with video games...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Where do poor meatballs live?
I’m not a “Glass Half Full” type of person…
I’m more of a “Where Did I Put My Glass?” type person.
My girlfriend is a vampire
Our first kiss was such a pain in the neck
I have an irrational fear of attached residential dwellings.
My doctor says I have an apartment complex.
Why didn't Bob eat his vegetables?
He didn't have mushroom for them.
You know what I heard about this cemetery?
It's so popular, people are just dying to get in.
(My dad told this joke EVERY single time we drove past any cemetery. I still cringe and groan when I see a cemetery to this day.)
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
I’m Not On Paternity Leave…
Did you know that your pupils are the last parts to stop working after you die?
I have a buddy who is a prominent geologist, but outside of work, he's very lazy and inactive.
He lives a sedimentary lifestyle
What did the Math book say to the History book??
....man,,, I've got some problems...
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree.
The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".
Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.
What did the outraged flower say ?
In England, if you pay money to live in a toilet, you can tell people you're a loo tenant
Also in charge of microsurgery.
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Why did employees of the Australian zoo amputate a grizzly's limbs?
He has no right to bear arms
Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago ?
When I was born, I sure was relieved
I was running out of womb.
Did you know there’s a law stating no one living within 5 miles of a cemetery can be buried there?
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
I don’t want to sound racist, but...
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,
He will be rolling in his grave.
What is brown and sticky?
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I couldn't believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute?
Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley
Wife-I'm serious!
Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious
This actually happened. :)
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I don’t drink cheap beer anymore.
Those days are in the Pabst.
I may have done something illegal with money today...
My old man explained map symbols for a living.
What part of your house can a zombie never enter?
Challenge: Absorption/Dye/Paint Puns
I'm doing a poster on Electron Absorption Spectroscopy, where we measure the absorption of 4 Dyes, and I need a title. My old title was "Dye Another Day" but I decided to make the poster paint themed as opposed to James Bond themed and if possible I'd like a title that reflects that. Thanks!
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
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