A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Did you hear the one about the Irish mobster that was killed for stealing Little trinkets?

It seemed to be the first case of a NikNak Paddywhack

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyahzar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog shit on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one:

Deja poo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Scribbler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I once asked a ninja if he could toss me one of those little stars.

He said, "Shuriken!"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said β€œThat’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"

"Don't mind if I Zoo."

She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.

Totally worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wene324
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?

The big moron. The other one was a little more on.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Watching a little tadpole swim around from one stage of life to another is fascinating.

I just love watching the frogress.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beardwithablog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.

Wife: What are you thinking?

Me: Business casual.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoiceofLou
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...

"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...

... Re Post-it Notes.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.

He really whiffed hard.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yawyaw42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
They took the little ones.

Why did Boromir use a longbow? Because they took the little ones.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirJuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Two little boys were at a wedding. One leaned over and asked "How many wives can a man have?"

The other answered "16. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer"

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twoboxingfiend
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Me: When I went to buy hotdogs on Memorial Day weekend they were all gone except these little ones.

My wife: Guess it was a Memorial Day for hotdogs then.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsaSnap
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was little and was asked to recite the alphabet I would always skip one letter. The teacher finally got fed up with me and asked,

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stayouttamyswamp-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I felt a little sad for my lucky sock when I looked down and saw another rip, this one baring my entire ankle.

I sniffled. My sock was on it's last leg.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nightreach1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
This one maybe needs a little time
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlunkyBall
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Buttoning up my little daughter's coat one day, it hit me ....

Being a parent really is fastenating.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I got in one little fight and my momma got scared...youre moving with your uncle in Bel Air!
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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This one got a little too ℝ for me.
πŸ‘︎ 657
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2016
🚨︎ report
this is from a friend of mine and guess I’m a little slow....didn’t get this one right away.
πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lmjueju
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PilotDave3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"

Bless him - He meant well

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scobberlotcherz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
This is one my 7 year old son said to me... I had a closed fist up to my face with my little finger extended and picking food out of my teeth. My thumb was also extended out. He looked at me and with a smirk on his face said to me...

Who's on the phone dad?

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pearly351
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
This one might need a little more incubation.

One unhatched chick turns to another one that's hatching and says, "Egg-scuse me, omelette you finish, but have you heard any good yolks lately that might crack me up?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cletis_gee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
One day my daughter and I were on a walk together and were surprised to see a shelled reptile a little ways down the road. Guess which direction it was heading?

Tortoise

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Two pirates walk into a bar, one of them is wearing glasses shaped like little boats. Bartender says " whats with the boat shaped glasses?". Pirate says" I like everything to be ship shape".
πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pluripotense
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled this one on my little sister

Sister : That idea makes no sense

Dad: It doesn't make sense, it makes dollars

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hakeeminsaf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
🚨︎ report
The one cent penny and other low-value currency are used very little these days.

It’s no coincidence.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LongneckBottles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns..

I knew the end was in sight.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.

"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I bet twenty dollars that I could make a little horse joke, but I can't think of one.

I'm going to have to pony up.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLaziestofLids
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
🚨︎ report
May not be a Dad yet, but got the little sister pretty well with this one imgur.com/a/1riYV
πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weewwwwww_sweiton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
🚨︎ report
My little brother pulled this one at the grocery store...

As we were checking out this conversation occurred.

Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?

Little brother: no, keep it in the jug please.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maplerzega
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My little boy just told me this one

What is a pirate's favorite food?

Map-a-roni and cheese!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenmisfit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
🚨︎ report
One time, I did a little stand up

And then I sat back down.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Kid_Mad_City
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.

I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmoffitt15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad makes bad comments sometimes, and rarely one of his kids will point out that he can be a little racist.

His just shakes his head.

'I'm not racist, I'm too slow!'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lobo0084
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
🚨︎ report
My 9 year old little cousin just hit us with this one.

Where do ants really want to live?

Where?

Antarctica!

Where does aunt Leah want to live?

England?

no!

Colorado? (For obvious reasons)

no!

Where buddy?

Antarctica!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delta365
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad just came home from surgery still a little loopy. Pulled this one on my brother and I.

Me: We should have post surgery cake! (Proceed to tell my brother he should make it just to see if he would.) Bro: I'm not making that cake bro. I gotta leave. Dad: I've got Tylenol.

Took me a minute but damn was it funny.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dynatime
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Training the little one well!

Wife: "Did you see your brother out on the soccer field?!"

Kiddo: "Yeah!"

Wife: "Who was he out there with?"

<giggling intensifies>

Kiddo: "HUMANS!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalled_earth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Little sister came up with this one.

The other day, my 11 year old sister came walking in the living room carrying this.

ginger bread

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slovejoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2015
🚨︎ report
A big moron and a little moron are both standing on the edge of a cliff, the big one falls off. Why didn't the little one fall?

Because he was a little more on.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hippanonypotomous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A big moron and a little moron were sitting on a ledge, when a gust of wind blew one of them off. Which one fell off?

The big one, because the other was a little moron.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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