.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
Whoopsie-daisy
It seemed to be the first case of a NikNak Paddywhack
Deja poo.
He said, "Shuriken!"
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
The big moron. The other one was a little more on.
I just love watching the frogress.
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
... Re Post-it Notes.
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
He really whiffed hard.
The other answered "16. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer"
Why did Boromir use a longbow? Because they took the little ones.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
When he got there, a woman extended her hand.
"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"
Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."
They walked over to her desk and sat down.
"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"
"Oh, just call me Kermit."
"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.
"Do you have any references?"
"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."
Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...
"THE Keith Richards?"
"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."
"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"
"Excuse me?"
"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."
"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."
Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.
"What's this?"
"It's a Hummel."
"A what?"
"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."
She picked up the Hummel and stood up.
"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."
"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"
So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.
"Patricia! What can I do for you?"
"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."
Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.
"I don't see anything out of order here."
"But, Mr. Wilson--"
"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
My wife: Guess it was a Memorial Day for hotdogs then.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
I sniffled. My sock was on it's last leg.
Being a parent really is fastenating.
Who's on the phone dad?
Bless him - He meant well
One unhatched chick turns to another one that's hatching and says, "Egg-scuse me, omelette you finish, but have you heard any good yolks lately that might crack me up?"
Tortoise
Sister : That idea makes no sense
Dad: It doesn't make sense, it makes dollars
I knew the end was in sight.
It’s no coincidence.
"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.
I'm going to have to pony up.
As we were checking out this conversation occurred.
Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?
Little brother: no, keep it in the jug please.
...that would be grate.
What is a pirate's favorite food?
Map-a-roni and cheese!
And then I sat back down.
I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.
His just shakes his head.
'I'm not racist, I'm too slow!'
Me: We should have post surgery cake! (Proceed to tell my brother he should make it just to see if he would.) Bro: I'm not making that cake bro. I gotta leave. Dad: I've got Tylenol.
Took me a minute but damn was it funny.
Where do ants really want to live?
Where?
Antarctica!
Where does aunt Leah want to live?
England?
no!
Colorado? (For obvious reasons)
no!
Where buddy?
Antarctica!
Wife: "Did you see your brother out on the soccer field?!"
Kiddo: "Yeah!"
Wife: "Who was he out there with?"
<giggling intensifies>
Kiddo: "HUMANS!"
Because he was a little more on.
The big one, because the other was a little moron.
