A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
๐︎ 16k
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︎ Jan 22 2021
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Been a dad 5 mo, so Iโm a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Jul 09 2019
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenโt actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
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︎ Aug 20 2020
My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...
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︎ Sep 07 2020
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldnโt stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Aug 24 2020
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote โAntโ in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
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︎ Jun 27 2020
I felt a little sad for my lucky sock when I looked down and saw another rip, this one baring my entire ankle.
I sniffled. My sock was on it's last leg.
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︎ Mar 02 2020
Buttoning up my little daughter's coat one day, it hit me ....
Being a parent really is fastenating.
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︎ Nov 27 2019
I got in one little fight and my momma got scared...youre moving with your uncle in Bel Air!
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︎ May 08 2019
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
๐︎ 34
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︎ Jun 30 2019
This is one my 7 year old son said to me... I had a closed fist up to my face with my little finger extended and picking food out of my teeth. My thumb was also extended out. He looked at me and with a smirk on his face said to me...
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︎ Mar 17 2019
One day my daughter and I were on a walk together and were surprised to see a shelled reptile a little ways down the road. Guess which direction it was heading?
๐︎ 4
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︎ May 02 2019
My dad pulled this one on my little sister
Sister : That idea makes no sense
Dad: It doesn't make sense, it makes dollars
๐︎ 16
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︎ Sep 10 2017
I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.
"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Mar 01 2018
My little brother pulled this one at the grocery store...
As we were checking out this conversation occurred.
Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?
Little brother: no, keep it in the jug please.
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︎ May 12 2016
My little boy just told me this one
What is a pirate's favorite food?
Map-a-roni and cheese!
๐︎ 9
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︎ Sep 23 2017
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.
I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.
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︎ Jan 18 2017
My dad just came home from surgery still a little loopy. Pulled this one on my brother and I.
Me: We should have post surgery cake! (Proceed to tell my brother he should make it just to see if he would.)
Bro: I'm not making that cake bro. I gotta leave.
Dad: I've got Tylenol.
Took me a minute but damn was it funny.
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︎ Feb 24 2014
My 9 year old little cousin just hit us with this one.
Where do ants really want to live?
Where?
Antarctica!
Where does aunt Leah want to live?
England?
no!
Colorado? (For obvious reasons)
no!
Where buddy?
Antarctica!
๐︎ 6
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︎ Dec 26 2016
Got my wife with one a lIttle while ago
Her to our almost two year old: "Do you want dad tip pot your pants on, our do you want to put them on yourself? "
Me: "I could try putting them on but I don't think they would fit. "
๐︎ 4
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︎ Jul 06 2014
Just remembered one my dad used to tell when I was little...
Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"
Young me: "RePete"
Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"
Young me: "RePete"
rePete until groans become deafening
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︎ Nov 20 2015
My dad loves this one a little too much...
I hope the rain keeps up... SO IT DOESN'T FALL DOWN.
๐︎ 12
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︎ Nov 29 2014
Pulled a fast one on my little brother
Alright so I was at the bar last night and they had TMNT themed pizzas, which was cool. I texted one of my little brothers about it and he said "woah, no way, show me that's badass."
I took a picture of the menu but couldn't quite get the whole thing in one snap so I said "k here you go, couldn't get the whole menu but you get the picture."
My boyfriend rolled his eyes and I was laughing hysterically.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Mar 22 2015
Pulled this one on my little sister
My sister's in grade 9 and she stayed home for a week of school because she was sick. After school on Monday, she told me what she had missed and how things went.
Sister: I caught up in all of my classes, but it turns out I was ahead in French.
Me: Oh nice, and where was your body?
๐︎ 10
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︎ Apr 09 2014
My little sister just got my grandma, I was the only one that got it
Brother: there's nothin like hotdogs cooked on the grill
Grandma: there's nothing like anything cooked on the grill
Sis: actually, everything on the grill has one thing in common, it was cooked on the grill
๐︎ 5
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︎ Jun 02 2014
My little brother in law will make a great dad one day.
We had just left a restaurant and he had been holding this in the whole time
Him: "sp3cimen you must be a lumberjack"
Me: "Why's that?"
Him: "Because you always smell like Axe! Ba dum tishhh"
I've never been more proud.
๐︎ 5
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︎ May 19 2014
I got my little sister with this one yesterday.
I'm not a dad, and this is probably one of the older ones in the book. My little sister just got her first car and I was grilling her on the details.
Me: How many wheels does it have?
Her: 4!
Me: Did it not come with a steering wheel?
Her: Ugh...
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︎ Oct 11 2014
When I was little, my dad would ask me and all my friends this one. It took me a long time to realize it made no sense, but he still (15+ years later) insists that it's completely logical.
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of the legs is both the same.
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︎ Sep 05 2013
My dad pulled this one on me a little while ago.
Driving with my mom and dad in the car while my mom is trying to read me directions. As we approach HWY 33 she asks "What comes after 33?" To which my dad replies in less than a second, "34."
Thanks for the help dadโฆ.
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︎ Nov 14 2013
Here's a little science one my dad said tonight.
At, dinner my mother was going on about a very rowdy kid in her class and he mentioned that he might be bi-polar. At this point, my dad stops her and says, "wait, so he's from the north and south pole?"
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︎ Dec 18 2013
My dad came into my room a little tipsy, and dropped this one on me.
Dad: What do you call a guy smiling, while he goes down on a girl
Me: What?
Dad: A Gladiator
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︎ Apr 19 2014
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