My wife said, "Isn't it strange how little people change?"
Now I'm thinking, "Do dwarves put on clothes differently to the rest of us. "
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
Thought of this while I was teaching my little brother about the wonderful world of colors
I noticed something about my nipples that makes me a little self-conscious...
Is it normal for the left one to be bigger than the other two?
When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
My little brother just came up with this: Why was the fully loaded hot dog cold?
Because it was a chili dog.
This just happened yesterday. My son said, "I'm a little weak"...
And I told him, "well grow up, then you can be a month!"
My little girl accidentally broke one of her toy flowers. All I could say was...
I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop that’s included.
Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.
I think my sink is a little clogged
My favorite song goes a little something like this: "De Spa..."
I said to my therapist that I feel a little paranoid with Back Street Boys, and he said...
My gassy little daughter may not share much with ancient Egypt
But they have their toots in common.
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...
"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"
My 4-year-old got crumbs in his eye and started rubbing his eye. He said it didn't hurt much and I said "Oh, so it's just a little irritating?"
He said "No, it's eye-itating."
My little Pony
Why could the little pony not talk...?
Because he was a little hoarse...
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital with my little kids...
...but they found me in the ICU.
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
My daughter was watching The Little Mermaid so I asked her if she knew why Sebastian was kicked out of college?
It's because all his grades where under da c
My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”
I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”
A little story of a dadjoke that drove my wife crazy
When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.
We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"
Que the groan.
My manager thought the smoothie I shared with them was a little too thick...
... They thought it was more of a "roughie"
For Valentine's day, I got my wife a sexy little number that really shows her curves...
I asked my boss Juan for some time off and all I got was a little cow.
I just wanted a little vaca.
I made a little igloo out of the ice in my drink.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
When I found my little son on the floor, I briefly thought a murder took place
Fortunately, it was just a kid napping.
My wife often uses the promise of raunchy sex to get little jobs done around the house.
I just got a ps5 for my little brother.
I caught my little 4 month old niece chewing on her hand
So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? 🍔
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
My wife didn’t like my idea to market a line of belts with little clocks built into the buckle.
She said it was a waist of time.
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror.
I haven’t looked back since.
My Spanish friends little boy still can't say please....
And I think it's poor for four.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy...
It's one part rum, three parts pum.
(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
My little sister pirated me
Today at dinner, my little brother asked me who a skeleton’s favorite celebrity is. I asked who, then he proceeded to Skeletor laugh and say....
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
I got a little radiation on my shirt.
When I was little my parents always have me alphabet soup claiming that I liked it but they were just...
...putting words in my mouth
I made some toast and refused to give our little doggo a bite. My kids asked why she looked so sad...
I told them she was lack-toast intolerant.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
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