I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 236
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister didn't get my pun
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hannahbeliever
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.

He started pointing them out to me.

"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."

++++++++++++++++++

I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.

I like it. I'm proud of myself.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 92
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zipflop
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I stopped walking on coal to limit my carbon footprint
πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dutch_Midget
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!

Multi-level marketing

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lycanthrope who knows their limits?

Aware wolf.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"

Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents didn't allow it.

They said the sky is the limit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DrPantaleon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Congress just passed legislation limiting the number of hats an individual may own.

They put a cap on it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Talon184
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was hard to differentiate between them.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Limited release Harry Potter title
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ddh85
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Officer: "Don't you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour?"

Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 59
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit

This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Are short puns off limit?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/C0deNerd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/martianrome
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Math pun.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DSpeed4s
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know there is a limit of 239 beans in a can of beans?

Adding 1 more would make it 2 farty

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/deebo305
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, β€œThe Sky’s the Limit!”

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 69
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the farmer get pulled over after planting his field?

He broke the seed limit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Just witnessed a septic cleaning truck use the left lane for a right turn, using no signal, and then proceeded to drive 10 miles under the speed limit...

Turns out he was a shit driver..

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bluecaddy5000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked into Starbucks and asked what the limited time drink was,

The worker responded β€œit’s our special tea”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bustinbeats
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
You’re the world’s greatest dad although my frame of reference is pretty limited.

Happy Father’s Day fellow dads!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jangooni
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I've invented a game where avocados appear randomly and you have to smash as many as possible within the time limit

I'm calling it Guac-a-Mole

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sup3rjaw
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I didn't think my anatomy teacher would push me to the limit.

He sure showed me what I was made of.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Her anger jumped discontinuously at that point in time.

Me: My love for you is 0/0 Her: Aww, infinite? Me: Nahh,Undefined. Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity? Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it. Her: I want to break your bones, ugh. Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kshitij_gettin_real
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, they told "The Skies the limit!" - Jokes on them.

I'm an astronaut.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/phlux
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my glasses

I can still drink from the bottle

πŸ‘οΈŽ 113
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Relationships are a lot like algebra....

You look at your X and wonder Y.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 103
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm bad at math. I love it, but I know my limits.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mahhvin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend called me a square for always following the speed limit.

I told her that I was more like a circle, squares are too edgy for me.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
How did mathematicians get around restrictions of prohibition?

They drank their root beer out of square cups!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ArisThotHole
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was ok with Algebra, Geometry, and Trigonometry when I was in high school.

But I reached my limit with Calculus.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
State Police pulled me over for going 7 mph over the speed limit. He said he would let me off with a warning, though.

I said, "Thanks. You're a real trooper."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/anyeyeball
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 byte and everything crashed!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moses10960
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 15 2018
🚨︎ report
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Edits: Thanks for all the awards!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/deant_b01
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad always used to say, "The sky's the limit!"

Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 18 2017
🚨︎ report
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.