Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted
He opens the door and tells him “Namaste”.
Why shouldn't you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
guess what my dad won’t let me put on my car?
dammit, I’m not even allowed to mark this post as a spoiler
I wouldn't let my newborn work on my Ferrari's engine
He doesn't have fine motor skills
My dog has been chewing on sticks when let her outside.
Now she barks out of both ends.
I can't think of a title, let me sleep on it.
An alien came down to Earth the other day, stepped out of his spaceship and said, "G'day cobber! Let's start a barby and throw some shrimp on! Strewth!".....
....he was an Austr-alien
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
Last week I was on the edge of a cliff, holding on to a box full of shredded cheese. I loved that box, but I knew I had to let it go. I didn’t want to...
But it was for the grater good
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
I don't let my kids go online. There's too many PDF files on there!
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...
Come on Col, let's go fluoride
Let’s go on a date. Lunch is on me.
Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...
A worker tells his boss about a great idea. The boss says "let me think about it" then pulls a bad 80's wig from his desk and puts it on. The worker asks "what's that for?"
The boss says "I need to mull-it over..."
I let the Spaniard know he had a little green stain on the back of his shorts.
He let me know what it was when he replied, "grassy ass".
Never let a urologist perform laser eye surgery on you
...
You might end up cock eyed.
Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...
My friend let me watch some British singer on his laptop.
Why didn't they let the hat-fitter on the boat?
He was too excited about cap-sizing.
My German IT guy won't let me run the Microsoft Disk Operating System on my computer.
Did you hear about the young BDSM member that had to go to court for abuse, but was let off on a technicality?
The judge said he was just a whippersnapper.
I had aspirations of being a doctor when I grew up. My dad said he would never let me operate on him.
Fine, I said, suture self.
I went to a club with friends. There was a huge nordic/viking looking ass bouncer He let us through looking intimidating as fuck but whatever. Dancing and drinking. This chick grinding on me. Getting flirty and introduce herself. Her name is Sky. Drag me to the toilet hinting she wants the D.
Sucks dick like a pro. Doesn't let me cum and wants me to eat her ass.
Suddenly huge bouncer from before barges in and shoves me away with an unrelenting force. Proceed eats out Sky's ass like a boss
Yells "Sky's rim belongs to the nords"
(sorry for long post but friend sent this to me and i have no idea where it goes, could use some help)
Why won’t I let my kids watch the orchestra play on TV?
Because There’s too much violin-ce
I called my boss to let him know I wanted to come in later this morning. He said, “Dream on”.
Did you know if you let a porpoise beat you at cards it'll give you a ride on its back?
You can win pretty easily if you want to but it defeats the porpoise
Found this gem on a Polar Adventure website - Oh Just let it go!
https://preview.redd.it/lbq37y164cd11.jpg?width=760&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7cc72b4d1bdd0123eaae2b32aa2627956ebb9bcb
I let a homeless mouse live on my clock for a few weeks while he pulls his life back together
He’s living on borrowed time
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?He let out a little wine
I was making out on the couch with my wife the other day when she looked at me sexy and said "Let's take this upstairs"
I got up and told her "I'll get this end. You take the other one"
Me at work: "Hey Steve, can you check what time I get off of work on Wednesday?" Steve: "Wednesday let you."
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body
I gave her a shoulder to crayon
Whenever my girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body
I gave her a shoulder to crayon...
I don't let my kids watch music shows on TV.
There's too much sax and violins.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
