Legitimately Puns

I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts.

Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes.

Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off?

Me (I've got this, I'm ready!): No, we were delighted.

The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes!!!

Thank you guys, I was prepared.

Edit: Front page!!! Awesome! This is the highlight of my day! Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity).

Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold! It made everything that much better.

Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers!).

My neighbor and I have an inside joke about dry ice I saw him and said it’s not as Icey today as I thought he replied it certainly is not a dry Christmas

A young man decides he wants to take his girlfriend to prom.

Now, prom is a BIG DEAL in this little town. Think the end of Footloose. That big.

First off, he has to buy the tickets. After class gets out for the day, he heads down to the quad and gets in line to buy tickets with legitimately about half of the school.

So he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And eventually he gets to the front of the line. He asks politely for two tickets to prom, buys them, and heads off.

Now, this young man decides that if he's going to do this, he wants to do it right and lull out all the stops. So he heads to the local florist to buy a corsage.

Again, it's a small town, and wouldn't you know it but the only florist is swamped with a line out the door.

So he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And eventually makes it up to the counter. He orders a corsage, tiger lilies, her favorite, and ensures it will be available the day of prom. Headed out the door with his receipt, he walks down the block to the only tailor/tux rental shop in two counties.

And wouldn't you know it but a big group if his fellow romantic young bucks decided to get dressed to the nines as well, and a line has formed wrapping around the building.

So he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

Until eventually he gets in, takes his place on the podium, and gets measured up. He takes his receipt to the counter, confirms there will be a tuxedo in his size available the morning of prom, and there will also be staff on hand to assist him with the proper wear and how to move in the suit.

Last but not least, he heads to the local car and limo rental, hoping to put that final flourish on the evening and ride up to the big night in style.

And wouldn't it just figure that the rental shop would be just as busy and twice as slow, with a line of increasingly ticked off customers waiting down the block. Not to be deterred, our intrepid young beau takes his place at the back of the line.

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits some more...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And he waits...

And just as the shop is about to close he make sit to the desk, managing to snag the last limo available for the night.

Everything in place, he heads home to wait for the big day.

Before you know it, it's prom night. He picks up his tux, and it fits perfectly

I'm taking steps to avoid them

The rest were illegitimate because I wasn't a father to them.

She still isn’t talking to me.

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A child was born in Europe with no eyelids. They used his foreskin from the circumcision to create new eyelids for him. Everything turned out great, he's just a little cockeyed.

De-brie

It's from the Dairy Air

Ooh tell me more about this super salad.

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

They have a boring job.

I only feel comforchair.

"Hey Venus, you see that planet over there?" - Earth "Yeah, what about it?" - Venus "Do you think he likes to watch the sun rise and set like us? He's so far away..." - Earth "Well Maybe he needs to Neptune in with the rest of us." - Venus "Did you just make a planet pun...?" - Earth "Don't Saturn this around on me, I'm hot and flustered all the time" - Venus "I guess you could say your Mercury's rising...snickers" - Jupiter

"GOD DAMNIT" - Earth

What's a henway? | About two or three pounds.

If nothing else, their flag is a big plus!

I swear, it was a miss-steak.

Me: I didn't hear anything. Dad: Must have been a pigment of my imagination then. Me: What? Dad: I have a colorful mind.

I had a great date with my girlfriend, and we're leaving the house right as Dad pulls into the driveway. We just got a new puppy, and I was explaining to him that the puppy wasn't even shy around her. His response?

"Hey, neither were you, eh?"

She thought it was cute. I almost died.

We pass a farm and my dad says:

Dad: hey did you know the FDA is banning those round bails of hey!

Me: No! What? Why? (I was legitimately concerned)

Dad: Yeah! Apparently cows weren't getting a square meal....

Me: ...sighs

screenshot

She was legitimately upset at her husband (Sorry, I'm new to linking / embedding images)

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

It's in tents!

(technically tents would not make a legitimate Sukkah, but they do make decent puns)

We'll give you a hand...if you give us your tows.

• honest to God, that is a legitimate business slogan of the local tow truck company.

http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/2d7304/our_canoes_got_stuck_and_this_guy_comes_to_help/cjmua87

>/u/juinjing: Can't you canoe faster than you can swim? Legitimate question. I am not an aquatic man.

>/u/Juiceman17: A canoe is certainly faster than a cannot