Lucky for him, it was a light sentence.
A police spokesperson says it may take him up to 11 years to finish his sentence.
I was double-crossed.
Carat Cake
one watches cells and one sells watches
Because he got to work with carats.
In jewels It's an engineering joke
...I tried to have my family jewels appraised.
She said you can’t go wrong with DeBeers.
You know, Justin Kay’s
Although now he's been busted.
http://i.imgur.com/097L28z.jpg
Me: What's the opposite of "Missus?" (Referring to the label he wrote to my mom)
Dad: A hit.
2 crown jewels
I went to the jewellers today, and asked the salesman about a watch.
"how much is it?" I asked.
"25 Pounds" He replied.
"Is it a wind-up?" I asked
"No, it really is 25 pounds"
And she was a real bargain!
But seriously folks. My wife and I were walking at a mall, around closing time for most stores. She noticed and commented that there was a Kay Jewellers, but being that they were closed, those security wall things were down. I said it was more like a Cage Jewellers
My boyfriend was looking for his loop (also known as a jeweler's glass) I wasn't sure what it looked like. When he found it:
SO - "This is a loop."
starofelendil: "A what?"
SO: "A loop"
starofelendil: "A what?"
SO: "damnit"
My dad likes to toss things in the house. Ask him for a soda? Catch! Need mayo on your sandwich? Heads up! You get the idea.
Last night the family was in a rush to get dinner on the table, so needless to say food was flying. My younger brother was at the table catching things and putting them on the table while my dad stood at the fridge throwin' shit. I guess my dad threw the barbecue sauce to early because my brother wasn't ready and it made impact right in the family jewels.
Brother (on the floor): Dad, you got me right in the balls!
Dad: Oh I did?
Bro is now doing that thing where you're in pain and you're talking while gritting your teeth/ holding your breath.
Brother: Yes! The barbecue sauce. Right on the dick.
Dad: Well which was it, did I hit your balls or your dick?
Brother: Same difference!!
Dad: No no no, there's a vas deferens between the two.
Me: God damnit dad, that's perfect. I'm using that.
So here I am, using it.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
scroll down.....
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
So this morning I was getting ready for work when I realized my junktown races might need some trimming.
> [Looking down at my family jewels] "Man, you are Hairy.." > > To which she replied, "I thought your Dick's name was Tom!"
Took me a second to realize that she had reversed the order of Tom Dick or Harry haha. I'm so proud of her!
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Although now he's been busted.
One sells watches and the other watches cells
