I was not surprised when my weird uncle was jerking off while cosplaying as a clown
My dad said jerking off will make you go blind.
Hey dad, why are you telling that mannequin not to jerk off?
Random people jerking off to you is really a dick move
My friend was jerking off in the Walmart bathroom
Jerking off while you're high is weed wacking.
What do you call a Canadian who is kind of a jerk?
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
"What’s your name, son?"
The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
What do you call a chicken who is being rude and unreasonable?
My complete jerk of a brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer!
Dad calls him "Chop Suey."
Some jerk pointed at the butt of an exceptionally furry donkey and asked me what it was.
I said "That's a hairy ass ass ass, ass!"
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
The going rate is now 18% you Jerks!
What do you call a French person being a jerk?
I entered my sons room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad." He replied.
What did the chicken say to the other chicken covered in spice?
What have you done when you can't jerk off anymore?
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.
He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology
“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
Why are vampires always jerks?
I mentioned intense circle jerk Tuesdays and beans earlier
Some jerk wouldn’t tell me the time so I clocked him.
Son: Dad, what is a dictator?
Dad: That’s a jerk potato.
Son: So, what’s a dictatorship?
Dad: That’s a jerk potato that owns a boat.
I thought comedians we're jerks until i finally met one
Why are arabian rulers are such jerks?
Because they are dick-tators
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is the biggest jerk in the world.
Sorry, I'm going off on a tan gent.
Some jerk said he was going to hit me with his guitar ! I said is that a fret?
What do you do if your friends are jerks?
I happen to have a pet Raven. Sometimes he's good, sometimes he's a total jerk. If I had to say something about what it's like owning one
I'd say it's got it's crows and caws.
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.
Teacher: “If acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”
Me: “You might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”
Animals Being Jerks (x-post from /r/funny)
I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...
...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.
So the music exec demanded we put together a band out of just fishermen and soda jerks
Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
What do you call mean poultry?
Muggers are jerks, but you have to hand it to them.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
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