Some jerk pointed at the butt of an exceptionally furry donkey and asked me what it was.

I said "That's a hairy ass ass ass, ass!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmHere420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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The going rate is now 18% you Jerks!
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RasTaGhul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.

I hope you're happy.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dreamincolr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Some jerk wouldn’t tell me the time so I clocked him.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is the biggest jerk in the world.

Sorry, I'm going off on a tan gent.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuckChaser
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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So the music exec demanded we put together a band out of just fishermen and soda jerks

Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesset77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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"What’s your name, son?"

The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."

"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.

The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 677
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aye_its_soya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, β€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. β€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

β€œYou keep out of this! She yells, β€œI’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.

Teacher: β€œIf acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”

Me: β€œYou might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby-Bobson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...

...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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So my wife and I were sleeping...

And we have 2 jerk wad cats that get the zoomies nightly at around 3 am. They started chasing each other upstairs above our bedroom...

My wife: omg is there an elephant upstairs?

Me: shhhhhh....we dont talk about him.

Then I got hit with a pillow.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alastrel3000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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My wife got really mad at me when I told her that someone from the Jamaican Spice place was looking for her.

I said, β€œThe jerk store called for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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I don't like my neighbor, so I stole his bell.

He got the no Bell prize for being a jerk.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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A rope walks into a bar...

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1_h473_l337_5p34k
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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My tongue swelled up after eating dehydrated patella

The doctor said it was a knee jerk reaction

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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It's an old joke that oysters are shellfish becauee they dont want to share...

But no one complains about the hedgehogs? Share the hedge, jerks!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbffed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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Toothpaste.

So my dad was going through his normal morning ritual, when he screamed "GODDAMMIT" from the bathroom. He walked out a few minutes later, looking sad.

Me: "What was the yelling about?"

Dad: "I dropped my toothpaste."

Me: "That made you upset?"

Dad: "No, ZTheJerk. Upset doesn't cover it. I'm absolutely crestfallen."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
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I remember my fathers last words

"Stop shaking the stool you little jerk"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squiddiot55
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Need help finding a skin related team name.

Hi my school is having a competition related to skin. My teammates and I are looking for a clever skin related term. Reddit's the holy grail of puns so I figured I could find something here. It dirty or clean it doesn't matter there are no rules. EDIT: We had the competition today, and as I replied down lower my team wanted the name, "Myoclonic Jerks." Wasn't skin related, but they liked it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShonkaMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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My wife said the lawnmower wasn't working

So I went to the garage and started it up.

She said, "Well, I guess it takes a big jerk to start it!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/merosec
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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My Jamaican friend invited me to his poultry farm

The second I arrived his chickens started to attack me.

He fought them off and said, β€œSorry about them. They’re jerk chickens.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToroZuzuX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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My twin brother at my mom's aunt's funeral

A few months ago, my mothers aunt had died so we went to her funeral. Before the funeral mass had started, my mom told my brother and me to go up and say hello to Aunt Beth (the woman who had died). A few minutes later, my mom comes up and asks both of us "Did you go up to Aunt Beth and say hi" to which my brother replied "Yeah, but she was a real jerk. She just laid there and didn't say anything"

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DickButtButt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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How to make a Teamspeak server groan

One evening, I was on Teamspeak talking with a few people I know; one of them being a German guy called Willi.

He's gone away from the keyboard for a few minutes and someone asks where he is. A friend of his jokes that he's probably jerking off to porn.

To which I replied "Are you trying to tell me he's playing with his Willi?"

Cue groans from the entire channel.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
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My wife twitches when falling asleep...

And we're not talking little finger twitches, these are big, full body jerks. The kind you get when you feel like you're falling and wake up suddenly.

After a particularly big one, I asked "Are you a cow?"

She said "No, why?"

"Because if you were you would be beef jerky."

Without missing a beat, she asks: "Because of how much I moooove?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PockyBum522
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
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Whenever my Dad and I go out to eat.

It isn't exactly a joke, it's more of a jerk move that just happens to be funny, but whenever my Dad and I go out to eat, (or whenever we're eating really), he'll always take a bite from my plate saying that he is making sure it isn't poisoned, and if he likes it, he has to take a second sample to make sure. When I was a kid he would do it all the time and I would get so upset, and now I do it to my little brother whenever I take him out to eat, and it makes him so miffed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nozaku
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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Who would do that?

Walking around the grocery store with dad when we see some jerk sauce out of place.

Dad: "I can't believe this, what type of person leaves a bottle of sauce like this out of place?!" (He's being pretty loud)

Me: "Who."

Dad: "A jerk."

Person behind us snickers

Everyone starts clapping.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rclova
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Yesterday one of my friends and I went to guitar center

and we found a Schecter C1 with a natural wood finish and spent like an hour playing it, despite being in the middle of a room packed full of exotic guitars. I own a Schecter bass and through playing a few different models I have come to the conclusion that Schecter is the Valve of guitar manufacturers, but I'm not here to wax poetic about Schecters, I can do that on my own time.

Anyway, we went home afterwards and he posted a status on Facebook about it, which included the line

> ...and in a room full of hyperexotics, spent an hour metaphorically jerking off to a Schecter C1.

I replied with

>>metaphorically

and he came back with

>They don't call it a wood finish for nothin'.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
🚨︎ report
While watching The Fault in Our Stars [spoilers]

There's a scene where the young couple visits the author (played by Willem Dafoe) who turns out to be a real jerk.

At first we thought he was a friend... Turns out he was Dafoe.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshlamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Cooking up some lunch for my family when dad walks into the kitchen...

...and says

Dad: What're you making?

Me: I'm cooking up some jerk chicken

Dad: Woah woah woah, the thing is already dead no need to call it a jerk.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnlordly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
Got a joke from my brother today.

We were in the car and at a stop light. He starts pumping his breaks to the music and jerking us around. I turned to him to ask him what he was doing.

He said 'break dancing' Can't wait to use that one!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozzelsniff
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Heading in for an appointment...

If you've ever been to a hospital that has valet service, you know that they can sometimes drive like jerks.

So my dad and I were driving up the parking ramp to our parking space for an appointment (valet service is optional at this hospital), and one of the valet drivers was riding our ass the whole way. I said, "Damn, this guy in the Lincoln needs to slow down." My dad responded, "The valets here all drive like jerks." As we reached the parking spot the guy pretty much blew past. So then I chimed in with "You'd think people at a hospital would be more patient." And my dad just replied with a groan and a "gee whiz."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaffleBrothel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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My dad spewed this one tonight...

Reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"

"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

But we never did figure out who the jerk was."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diggerB
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Spending the week fishing and Dad can't get enough of this one

We're just jerks on one end waiting for jerks on the other.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokybrett
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
🚨︎ report
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door."

"Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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