We all knew that at some point, we’d have to discuss the LA font in the room.
Actually she just sits around, smokes weed all day and never calls me, but a Dad can dream.
-WHO wants you to wash your hands.
-Who does?
-Yes
-Who wants me to wash may hands?
-Yes, WHO wants you to wash your hands and practice social distancing.
-I don't know who. My mom?
Son: "The due date."
...you could say they’re my SpecialTea.
I just hope I can afford the Morkage payment.
"Type: Radioactive Fallout, 7d6"
It's tradition to bring baked goods (typically doughnuts) after you get your security clearance. I never bothered to ask why. I just figured it was a nice thing to do. Then it hit me...
Doughnuts and bagels are granted on a knead-to-dough basis.
It was a twist ending.
Gruesome plants, man.
Its going to be called Wii Will Rock You.
Whenever I visited, I only got to see the good china.
After reading the circumcision story from u/Oemus2776 this morning, I was reminded of how little the nurses at my wife’s first birth appreciated my comedic stylings.
My wife was in labor and the nurse came in to check the dilation of the cervix. She had her hand under the sheet and said, “alright now, I’m just feeling for change.” I replied, “well you’re in luck! I found two dimes and a quarter in there just yesterday!”
Crickets...
...is a fishionary
It was great Muse-Sack
She was legitimately upset at her husband (Sorry, I'm new to linking / embedding images)
While carrying a friend's mirror today:
Me: "Is this mirror possessed?"
Friend: "Huh?"
Me: "There's a handsome devil in it!"
Inspired by this post
I ordered 100 of these and keep one in my pocket at all times now: http://i.imgur.com/fDFtpL5.jpg
Also, if you're in the Washington DC area, I'd be happy to spread the love. Happy dadjoking!
So we've sat down to have our pizzas after an adventure to get them both, when he's commenting on how 'odd' his order turned out.
Couple minuets later, he's offering the rest of the pizza to me, saying he can't handle the sauce.
"Oh? You must like reposts then, if you can't handle the sauce."
He just stood there for a moment, then did the looong, slow sigh.
After resetting my step daughters tablet to defaults the Facebook messenger app kept freezing. It would eventually say wait or force close. I hit wait and it loaded. I told her..
"If it's frozen... Let it go."
What do you call a guy who lays on the floor outside your door?
Matt
What do you call a guy who just floats in water?
Bob
What do you call a lady who has one leg shorter than the other leg?
Eileen
