If a business segregated people by sexual orientation, there would inevitably be a homo-side there.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2016
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It was inevitable.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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My friend tried to delay the inevitable by locking himself in a public bathroom...

He stalled for time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I. Am. Inevitable.

Hi, Inevitable, I am Iron Man.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSquigles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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[ENDGAME SPOILERS] I am inevitable

Hi inevitable, I am iron man

I am terribly sorry for this terrible joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OyuncuDedeler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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Teacher: Okay class, tell me what scares you most. Let's start with Paul. Paul: Werewolves Nina: Sharks Dylan: The unstoppable march of time that us guiding us all to our inevitable demise.

Catherine: Dylan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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thanos: im inevitable ironman: hi inevitable im dad
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thekkkkiller
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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The inevitable truth
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zgold2192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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Change is inevitable

Except from a vending machine .

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Why was Hitler blind to the fact that German defeat was inevitable?

Because he was a not-see!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robotnewyork
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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Last night I went to, Alton Brown's Edible Inevitable tour. Alton Brown is a dad so I guess this counts.

Alton was working with his prop Bessy the cow when he pulled a stool out from it.

Alto says "Do you know why this stool is so small?" No one answers. He said "because it's a sample."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlyingMjunkY
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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Dad joke on Thanksgiving.

Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.

Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"

Grandmother: "Where?"

Dad: "The stock market."

He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ActionHobo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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The alternate endgame ending

Thanos: I am inevitable. Iron man: Hi inevitable I’m dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diamondsarefun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Endgame Joke

>!At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman"!<

>!The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Netherish
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Junglejimirish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Endgame spoiler Alert.

I couldn't help but think that the final confrontation between Thanos and Tony Stark would be the ultimate dad joke in the universe. Might not sound like much, but this is how that scene played out in my head.

Thanos (about to snap, after the scuffle with Tony) : I am... inevitable.

Tony : Hi inevitable, I'm Iron Man.

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πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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A kid named Morgan

Thanos : I am inevitable.

Ironman : Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Netherish
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Two woman are sitting on a roof because their town is being flooded

The second woman looks to the first woman and asks what they should do?

"God will save us" she says.

The two women sit there for a while and watch the water continue to rise. Eventually a rescue team in a rubber dinghy turn up.

"Jump on" says the rescuer. The second woman quickly jumps into the dinghy. The first woman looks annoyed and states bluntly that "God will save me". The rescuer shakes his head and drives off.

A few hours go by and the rain begins falling harder and harder. The entire house aside from the roof is submerged.

She hears the sound of a helicopter before she sees it. The helicopter hovers above and throws down a rope ladder.

"Climb up!" Shouts the rescuer.

The woman shakes her head refusing to move "No, god will save me".

The rescuer shakes his head and the helicopter flies off.

Time passes by and the water is now up to the top of the roof. She hears an aeroplane swoop in low overhead, dropping life jackets along the street for anyone left behind.

"No" she shakes her head "God will save me!"

The inevitable happens and after she drowns the storms into heaven upset. "God! Why didn't you save me?"

He looks to her and rolls his eyes. "Well I sent a boat, a helicopter and a life jacket what else do you want me to do?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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r/Dadirl and then some..

Dad: Take my advice ...

...I'm not using it β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Every time my step Dad comes up with a foolproof solution..

along comes a more-talented fool

..dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

When I married Ms. Right...

I had no idea her first name was Always.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test

The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

He who laughs last

...thinks slowest.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Women sometimes make fools of men

...but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

I was going to give her the nasty look

..but she already had one.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Change is inevitable

...except from a vending machine.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

The grass may be greener on the other side

...but at least you don't have to mow it.

  • [ ]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifeis_amystery
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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Every time we go out to eat...

When someone doesn't finish their food. The waiter/waitress inevitably asks,"You wanna' box for that?" To which my dad responds, "no, but I'll wrestle yah for it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SLEESTAK85
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Collard Greens

My Mom, Dad, and I were sitting down for dinner and we started serving ourselves.

Mom: This Collard greens recipe is really good.

Me: I bet, I like collard greens.

Dad: Me too, I like crewneck greens as well.

It took us a second but the groans and eyerolls were inevitable.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yogriffman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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So proud of my son

My son was a councilor at a summer camp for kids.

One day he came home from work and told me that he heard me come out of his mouth twice in one day.

Whenever we drove somewhere with the kids, the answer to the inevitable question, "how much longer till we get there", was 20 minutes, whether it was 5 minutes or 5 hours.

So, they were taking a bus load of kids to the baseball stadium and one kid asked, "how much longer till we get there", and my son almost bit his own tongue off when he heard himself say , "20 minutes".

While they were waiting on line to enter the stadium, another kid asked, "How long do we have to wait?" My son answered, "four minutes and 60 seconds." This elicited the response, "That's too long," to which he replied, "well how about five minutes".

He tried to bash his own head against the rocks.

I'm so proud. :-)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/small_e_900
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Do Grandpa Jokes Count?

Note: We are Brazilian, and in Portuguese one of the ways to say "grandpa" is "vovΓ΄"

Any time in my life where we have passed by a Volvo (which sounds really similar to "vovΓ΄") my grandpa would say "Hey look it's my car" and inevitably someone would ask "what?" or "huh?" and he would go "yeah, look, Volvo's car!" and proceed to crack himself up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaggotCaterpillar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Got my little brother while he was watching Wolf of Wall Street today.

He says "oh man, living that life would be intense"

I quickly respond with "No, that life would be in mansions not in tents"

A mighty sigh inevitably followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sickladbro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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Dad's new ringtone

So my dad got a new ringtone for his phone a few months back. It's the theme from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly." Great movie, great tune.

However.

EVERY time my dad's phone rings now, it is inevitably followed by, "Excuse me, guys. I believe Mr. Eastwood is calling."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BilliamBaggins
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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Astronomy Dad Joke

I was doing some stargazing with my telescope Saturday night, since it was a good time to view Uranus. When I was done, I carried my telescope inside and my brother says "What were you looking for?" I made a point to say it like 'Ur-uh-nus'.

Dad walks into the room as I am leaving and asks my brother what I was looking for. Inevitably, my brother replies 'Ur-ay-nus'.

Dad quips to me down the hall: "Leave your brother alone and look for your own!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kosmosouthern
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
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Got the mailman at the post office

I got to pick up a package and the usually greeting is exchanged, followed by the almost inevitable..

Mailman: "Anything else you need?"

Me: "Yeah, I was wondering where I could get postage stamps to send international e-mails?"

With my obvious joking demeanor, I got a grunt and a smile!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bastinka
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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I’m inevitable

Hi inevitable! I’m iron man

snap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fear-Surprise-And
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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Change is inevitable.

Except for the stupid vending machine at work.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
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Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

At the end of the film Tony says "I am Ironman"

His line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm a Dad"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Netherish
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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