After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
Snoopy AKA Snoop dogg AKA the Red Baron has been spotted flying his Dogg house today. It is understood that he defeated his enemies in one fell snoop.
It’s only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...
Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
I asked my grandfather how he was enjoying the new stairlift that was installed in his house.
He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
In my house, I'm the boss.
My wife is just the decision maker.
I have a problem. My wife steals animals from the zoo and hides them in our house.
I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
Tired of the cold, Superman traded the Fortress of Solitude for a house in Italy...
He invited Lois Lane to visit. Her plane was late, and she called the house to ask directions. He answered and told her:
"Take the last train to Clark's villa, and I'll meet you at the station."
I just sold a house with ferns throughout and a safe in the attic
The buyers loved that it was fully fernished with a vaulted ceiling
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
I called round at my neighbour's house early one morning and she opened the door in her nightie.
I thought, "That's a funny place for a door."
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
What kind of house do ninja turtles live in when they go on vacation from living in the sewers and fighting crime?
Did you hear about the two houses that fell in love with each other?
It was a lawn-distance relationship
I'm in the process of adjusting the clocks in my house
Now all my rooms but the kitchen sync.
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
What’s a ghost’s least favourite room in the house?
The living room!
My 9-yr old son just told me this out of nowhere whilst I was cooking, and I couldn’t be more proud of him!
Out air conditioning just went out, it's 81°F in the house. My dog is looking at me like...
My nan died in a freak bulldozer accident during the building of my new house.
I only wanted one granny flat :(
My dog happily chased a fly around the house, eventually nabbing it in one chomp.
I guess it's true: time's fun when you're having flies!
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My daughter said she was cold in the house.
I told her to go stand in the corner. She asked me why.
I told her because it was 90 degrees.
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
I made a small house with a cardboard box for the group of 10 ants running around in my room. Technically, I am now their landlord and they are my...
Painting some fun while I'm stuck in the house!
I thought I saw a crocodile in the laneway behind my house.
But then I saw him a bit later, so it must have been an alley-gator.
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.
Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.
Walked by a house with a broken window and a sign in the window saying "don't rock the boat".
Looks like somebody rocked your house
The ghost in my house is always honest when admitting to making a mess
You could say they are very transparent.
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
What do you call it when a farmer is stuck in his house and can’t get out to the fields?
I accidentally broke my most expensive bottle of booze in the house!
Luckily, I was able to fix it with my scotch tape!
Being cooped up in the house for so long has led me to attempt new hobbies. As an example, I'm currently studying how to adapt French phrases to describe the situation.
You could say it's my maison d'être.
My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.
My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."
I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.
He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”
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