After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
Our neighbour's 6 year old son was sleeping in their house, I've seen it and called the Cops right away
If Trump is afraid and hiding in the White House because of the protestors....
Does this make it a chicken coup?
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...
'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
I really like that actress in “House of Cards,” “Manhattan” and “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.”
Snoopy AKA Snoop dogg AKA the Red Baron has been spotted flying his Dogg house today. It is understood that he defeated his enemies in one fell snoop.
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
It’s only the second day of Hanukkah, and my wife already ate all of the chocolate in the house...
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...
Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...
I asked my grandfather how he was enjoying the new stairlift that was installed in his house.
He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
In my house, I'm the boss.
My wife is just the decision maker.
I have a problem. My wife steals animals from the zoo and hides them in our house.
I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Tired of the cold, Superman traded the Fortress of Solitude for a house in Italy...
He invited Lois Lane to visit. Her plane was late, and she called the house to ask directions. He answered and told her:
"Take the last train to Clark's villa, and I'll meet you at the station."
I just sold a house with ferns throughout and a safe in the attic
The buyers loved that it was fully fernished with a vaulted ceiling
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I called round at my neighbour's house early one morning and she opened the door in her nightie.
I thought, "That's a funny place for a door."
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
Did you hear about the two houses that fell in love with each other?
It was a lawn-distance relationship
I'm in the process of adjusting the clocks in my house
Now all my rooms but the kitchen sync.
What kind of house do ninja turtles live in when they go on vacation from living in the sewers and fighting crime?
What’s a ghost’s least favourite room in the house?
The living room!
My 9-yr old son just told me this out of nowhere whilst I was cooking, and I couldn’t be more proud of him!
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My nan died in a freak bulldozer accident during the building of my new house.
I only wanted one granny flat :(
Out air conditioning just went out, it's 81°F in the house. My dog is looking at me like...
My dog happily chased a fly around the house, eventually nabbing it in one chomp.
I guess it's true: time's fun when you're having flies!
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
I made a small house with a cardboard box for the group of 10 ants running around in my room. Technically, I am now their landlord and they are my...
Painting some fun while I'm stuck in the house!
I thought I saw a crocodile in the laneway behind my house.
But then I saw him a bit later, so it must have been an alley-gator.
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.
Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.
I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.
He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”
My daughter said she was cold in the house.
I told her to go stand in the corner. She asked me why.
I told her because it was 90 degrees.
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