Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Ghostface Killah the Hun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jet8493
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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I don't know why my wife calls me hun

I didn't conquer Rome after all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duke0200
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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At the local cafe, the waitress always calls me "hun"...

I don't know whether it's because she likes me or because I dress like a fifth century nomad...

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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What have Winnie the Pooh and Attila the Hun got in common?

The same middle name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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What garden tool does every Hun use?

Atilla

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stooftheoof
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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What was Atilla the Hun’s middle name?

The

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eroe777
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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What is lbgtq?

When I ask I can never get a straight answer.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluelemons111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldn’t touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why

She said: β€œMy anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...

shoulder this bird, hun.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.

These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I asked my wife what a bees favorite letter was.

"B!" She replied

"Oh hun....E!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StalinsChoice
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What do the pink panther and mulan have in common?

Dead hun...dead hun...dead hun, dead hun, dead hun, dead hun, dead huuuuunnnn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybot2001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Que s'est-il passΓ© en l'an 1111 ?

L'invasion des Huns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papapac
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Passed a road sign that said "Uneven Pavement"

Looked to my wife and said, "That's odd."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_drumstic_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
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Dad, how is it possible to drink juice using a straw?

Well, hun, pv=nrt.

(Too nerdy?... I think so.. but made me chuckle so sharing for you all loser dads out there)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gujjubhai123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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My daughter dropped her pill and it landed on my foot

I said "don't worry hun, you're a foot closer to taking it"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Pets, puns and dictators

Help wanted from r/puns!

I am planning to make my girlfriend a picture calendar for 2015 of some dog/ cat based puns of famous dictators. I'm running short of ideas, and so am turning to Reddit, given their penchant for all things pets and puns.

My ideas so far:

Adolf Kitler

Chairman miaow

Kitty Amin

Ho chi(huahua) Min

Robert Pugabi

Colonel Catdafi

Saddam Hussaint Bernard

Benito Pussolini

Fidel Catstro

I'm looking to Reddit's collective pun power to generate some more ideas. Help me punslingers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddallthat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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Two melons flew to Vegas to get married, but one of them called it off at the last minute.

He said, β€œIt may be easy for you to say β€˜hun, I do’, but I cantaloupe.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mhwal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Grandma: The fish aren't biting today...

.. They must be in school.

Grandpa: It's Saturday hun they're not in school

Grandma: Maybe there's Saturday school for fish

πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SarahJBP
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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Augustus Caesar tells Attila that the latter can't send missionaries unless they also come with fresh bread.

We don't want nuns unless you've got buns, Hun!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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LGBT stands for

Let's Get down to Business To defeat the Huns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gets_the_dad_joke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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My wife’s eyes literally just rolled while groaning and I’m still giggling

Wife from upstairs : hey hun can you bring me a heartburn pill before coming up the stairs?

Me from downstairs: how am I going to bring the pill to you before coming up the stairs?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Usernotfound011
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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If you want to ride in my 1967 Honda S800, you gotta have some bread

cuz my antique honda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uroshnor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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I think I am now ready to be a dad.

My girlfriend and I were looking for a collar for our cat:

Her: "I need to find cat collars"

Me: "well hun if you want cat collars just wear something cute and go outside."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/datChef
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
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I just dad joked the on-call nurse

I had to call the doctor's office about a new medication she put me on, when the nurse answers the phone

Me: Hi, my name is *** I'm calling for Dr ***. She just put me on this new medicine and I'm supposed to call in and let her know how everything is going

Nurse: ok, hun. I have to look you up in the system. What's your date of birth?

Me: April 7th

Nurse: What year?

Me: every year...

Nurse sigh ... what year were you born, sir?

Me: chuckle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Groovy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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Dad jokes gf sister-in-law

After discussing death.

Her: this is a dark party

Me to my gf: hun can someone turn on the lamp? (Turns on lamp)

Me to gf sister-in-law: that better?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebandnerd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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Short exchange between my parents...

Mom: Hey hun, how was your camping trip with the boys?

Dad: It was in tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xfox21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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New dad and already practicing my dadjokes

Driving with my wife, saw one of those cell towers disguised as a tree. I point at it and said, "look hun, a phony tree!"

She said, "a what?" then looked at it and look back at me. I repeated "it's a phony tree!" A second or two later, eyes rolled follow by small groan.

Of course, a smile on my face for the next minute or two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bebopblues
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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I told my girlfriend that she couldn't handle the gains I was getting at the gym...

Response: "Gains? Laundry detergent doesn't provide that many benefits, hun."

Fuck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXPanduhzXx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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While driving my dad often had a tough time paying attention to certain signs...

One example of this was his tendency to drive down One Way roads, going the opposite direction.

My mother would say, "Hun, it's a one way road."

To which he'd respond, "Good thing I'm only going one way."

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2013
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My daughter doesn't wear polka dot dresses anymore...

... because every time she does, I poke all the dots saying, "Nice poke-a-dot dress, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paleran
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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Got dadjoked by my GF...

We were leaving to drop her off at home and she was carrying leftover chili.

Me: "It's a little chili , wish I'd grabbed a coat."

Her: "No hun, this is quite a lot of chili."

I think she's a keeper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ps3eldestcondom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common?

They have the same middle name!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shirking_Studios
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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My anaconda

Don't want none unless you've got puns hun!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RaxarSSS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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