Home Schooling Puns

What sort of lion is good at maths? A number lion.

2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job

His face lit up and he asked "really?"

"Yeah, the follow-ups to Ragnarok: Ragnapaper and Ragnascissors."

He is currently not speaking to me.

The police would make you bring it back.

Her: How many pieces of rice do you eat? Me: Uh, 12? Her: No, thrice

I feel like she's using thrice to mean three rice, but it feels like there's a part missing in between. Anybody know this one?

“Daddy, where do I come from?”

His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about ‘it’. He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation, but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. ‘It’s time he knew’ and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy’s face just stared back, mouth open and speechless. “So, tell me son, why do you ask?”

The boy, still in shock, said. “Billy Clark in our class, said he was from Chicago”

I said, "Son, you're full of shit."

how to get to the next level on a video game.

"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, it runs in your jeans!"

He decided he would fake being an ant, instead of a kid—and ants don't have to go to school!

It might have worked, if he hadn't run afoul of that true-ant officer . . .

They fall for things hook, line and sinker!

"Because you're the headmaster."

Dear dad,

University i$ really great.

I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $usie.

I immediately replied back…

Dear Susie,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

dad

My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”

Driving home from school, my son was talking about this one kid in his class, Grace, who was the smartest one in his group and got straight A's. However, for her last writing assignment she turned in a paper with run-on sentences, misspellings, and a whole bunch of wrong punctuation.

"Yeah," he said. "It was a big disgrace."

And that's when I threw that over the shoulder stare to find him grinning ear to ear.

Shirts? Yup. Pants? Yup. Sweatpants? Yup. Nikes? CHECK!

Edit: Grammar

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

It was his ex-tradition

Dead ass

Because it was a little coffee.

Police said it was a dead giveaway.

She’s now my quaranteen.

After coming home from school, my daughter left her open backpack sprawled on the floor while she was playing in the other room. I was furious and yelled at her.

Me: "Unacceptable! You need to clean up. I hate seeing your backpack in this state!"

She stands up, thinks, looks me in the eye and says: "ok dad, do you want me to send it to Idaho?"

I have no choice but to acknowledge her smarts, high five her and give her the night off from chores.

I said the shovel

So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!

When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.

We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.

Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!

His mom ask's,"Why are you home so early?"

He answered"Because I was the only one who answered a question correctly."

Well, my son the genius.What was the question?"she continued.

"Whose the little shit that laid the tac down on my chair?"

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

His father asks him: “Son, what’s that on your back?”

The son answers: “It’s my bag, dad”

Dad: damn! What will those kids throw at you next?

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

Dear Dad,

University i$ really great.

I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $usie.

I immediately replied back…

Dear Susie,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?

Her: Paper.

I was so proud.

He said "Iran"