A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."
I told him stealth gear and a go bag. He is an exposed double agent.
A pair of pants
Nobody move.
I hope I don't get wiped out.
They were on sail.
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable.
Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
I hope to become a bouillionaire one day
Yeah, my Heinz sight is 2020.
The E Yarrr
...would he have a pun-gent odor?
After all, I provided the seed money.
Because it isn't a black and white issue
You can see this in one of their hit singles “Minoan me, Minoan you”
He asks Watson what the problem is.
Watson replies: "No shit, Sherlock!"
Hopefully this post is allowed. 5 or so years ago, I decided to post puns that I either came up with or enjoyed a lot. My goal was to make it easy to find puns based on a topic or subject. So I heavily tagged all of the entries with relevant information. I've consistently uploaded new puns on at least a weekly basis, but usually every 3 days.
I've amassed a large collection that I've decided to open source. I've dumped my database into a JSON file that is open and free to use (with proper attribution).
Let me know what you think!
https://punatorium.com/opun
Igloos it together
Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg so I said “Kids meal with the leg” and the lady says “Which side?”
Me- *complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision*
“I guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”
After several moments of laughter she says “No hunny which side would you like to go with the leg? Potatoes or fries?”
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
I guess they don’t appreciate random strangers knocking on their doors
Doing a crossword yesterday with FIL, MIL & GIL.
FIL says "Hey did you know I completed The Times crossword the other day apart from one clue" (For those of you who don't know The Times crossword is like one of the hardest crosswords)
MIL: "Go on then tell me the clue, I bet I'll work it out"
FIL: "Ok, the clue was "Heavily laden postman"
MIL: "How many letters?"
FIL: "Hundreds and Hundreds I would imagine"
Dead
I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."
I couldn't defeat him, he was too heavily armed.
He wound up with a massive correction and his wife was heavily censored
This worries me heavily, it could either be my wife or my girlfriend!
My dad was watching the weather channel in one room and my mom was in another one. The weatherman was a Russian names Rudolph. My dad yelled to my mom, "Hey honey, I think it's gonna rain tomorrow!" To which she replied "How do you know that?" He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
Walking through town, my wife heavily pregnant and me carrying a bag of fresh coffee. I pretended to carry the coffee under my shirt and be pregnant, holding my baby.
The real baby started moving and kicking and my wife said "mine is much more lively than yours!" I replied, "I dunno, mines full of beans."
Got actual laughter
So this is a bit long, sorry about that.
Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.
They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.
"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.
Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."
The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."
"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.
Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.
"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"
The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.
"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."
Heavily ever after!! (Not making fun of fat people)
Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.
Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.
He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.
It was raining heavily, we were all wearing our ponchos, and my Dad was grabbing some snacks at one of those stands. The cashier informed him of the total amount due, and with a credit card in his hand he asked, "do you take plastic?" The cashier responded with a "yes" and he proceeded to hand her part of his poncho. He looked towards us with a massive grin as the cashier stood perplexed. He looked more proud of himself than I've ever seen him!
I just saw this guy pay $1,000 for a beverage steeped in footware by a leather-wearing, mohawked, heavily-pierced man in a dark, narrow, side-street.
I guess he really values punk-shoe-alley-tea.
And I looked at my food sighed heavily and put my face in my hands.
Him: "What's going on?"
Me: "There's just so much on my plate right now"
Then I asked for his daughters hand in marriage.
It was a yes!
My dad: "We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch." My uncle: "So I guess they're low-drangeas now." I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily.
The waitress came to take our order, starting with my heavily pregnant wife. When the waitress asked how my wife would like her eggs, I quickly replied: Fertilized!
Waitress laughed her head off, wife gave disapproving look.
We had a large shipment of LED screens arrive at work today. They were all stacked up near a colleague's desk, let's call him Jim.
I approached my boss and asked "Is Jim in trouble?"
My boss looks at me, puzzled "No?"
"Then why's he been so heavily monitored!"
“Doc, I have problems with my liver” Doctor replies “Are you heavily drinking?” The guy replies “Yes, I am, but it’s not helping out”
One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
Drink heavily the night before
Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead
