Whoever thought it was a good idea to make a lower case L and and upper case i look the same must have been Ill.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
LOOK AT HOW MANY MATCHES I HAVE
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
Have you seen where Harry Potter’s magical wand was made? If you look closely, it says:
Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, “you have a captain’s steering wheel in your pants.”
Pirate replied, “arghh, it’s driving me nuts”.
My wife, Ming, told me, "You would look more professional without that funny bow tie." I have to wear it though. I explained to her, "My jokes aren't funny without...
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:
This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.
I always yield to vehicles that look like they could crush my car. They have the right of weigh.
Well well well look what we have here..
That little girl must have had a long day because she looks bushed
Looks like thay have COLLAR ID
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
hey, look, I have a joke
**of you to assume I can make a font joke**
Well, well, well. Look what wii have here.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."
I said "But she has a great personality."
MOM: Look at all this work! I can't believe I have to be an adult for the rest of my life!
DAD: Not really hon. After 70 you can pretend to be senile, and be a kid again.
My brother asked me if he could have at look at the leaflet I was reading
This community is a pun safe haven, but other subs have been oppressed by anti-punners. If you wish to join any pun war sub look in comments
I went to my doctor because I had some abdomen pain. He confirmed “it looks you have acute appendicitis”
I replied “That doesn’t sound very cute to ME, doc...”
Oh my, look how the tables have turned
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named ‘Steve’?”
A friend asked me to come and have a look at his broken extractor fan
I told him I don't have much experience in cheering up former tractor enthusiasts but I'll give it a spin.
"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife.
"That makes one of us then," I replied.
Her: You have selective hearing. You only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks. You look good too.
A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "aww, honey look at the sheep." I relied...
How do you tell someone from eastern Europe to have a look at something?
Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"
My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?"
When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"
My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue ‘cause “it looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass.
I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Did you know if you look closely, all mirrors have eyes.
It looks like we are going to have a good weather today, if I do say so myself.
Have you ever wanted to play Photoshop battles? But with puns instead?? Well look no further!!...
...fundarnmental_ePuns are here.
(https://www.reddit.com/r/Fundarnmental_ePuns/)
Now you can submit all the willy wittiest photos wordplay for all the world to see!!
This looked like a good place to x-link this, hope I don't get punished for it...
Looks like he won't have the guts to do that again
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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