She's a nightmare
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
We shot the breeze.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus.
He must have been having a bad har day.
I am lack-toes intolerant
He has serious selfie steam issues.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
All I wanted was one night stand.
He was just a little husky.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
But they totally slipped my mind.
You should probably give her a boo-quet of flowers.
You boil the hell out of it.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
10 wolves didn’t.
(Please tell me you guys got it)
Because if the flew over the bay they'd be Bagels
Now i’m really scared of arson
“No, I got them all cut.”
But when I do, he usually laughs
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
He claims he can stop it at any time.
Two thousand and eighteen.
Because 6:32 is 6:30 too.
There was nothing left but de brie
Aye matey.
Because while A Koi, B Koi and C Koi will get away,the predators will always go for the D Koi.
I told her that’s gouda, but you can do feta.
it would of been funny if this joke had a punchline wooden tit
A dinosr
He said, "No, I wasn't looking for everything."
Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?
This morning my son was about to put on his socks.
I: -wait, are there holes in your socks?
Son: -Yes, of course! Or else i wouldn't be able to get my fot into them. *holds up socks for me to see while extending hole at the top with fingers.
Me: -Hmrp... *sectretly feeling proud.
Supplies!
Shellfish!!
Your Royal Harness.
It’s crackle-lacking
Background: My wife is pregnant with our first, and her great grandmother had over 20 single births. So we were talking about labour:
Me: Don't worry, love, you've got great genes for labour.
Her: Yeah, I know. : S
Me: But you're really going to have to take them off. They'll definitely get in the way!
He is the 'Ginger Breadman'!
It was the Asphalt."
The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)
Hey I was curious of some of the best puns you can come up with involving the word "nest"! the best I've come up with is "nestquick" thanks!
but does it make a prophet?
"And I'm a nail, wanna get hammered?"
har har har.
"So next week we get to practice detaching our harnesses from our parachutes while being pulled along the ground. It should be a lot of fun!"
"Sounds like a real drag to me"
...Dammit Pops.
We were driving home the other day from a weekend of camping. Almost the entire drive home is through back roads and Country Roads and little towns... when we one of the many farms we drove by , there was a little river running through the farm and at least 50 cows lying down sunning themselves along the edge of the river.
I turned to my wife and exclaimed " that's a lot of ground beef!"
You make a better nightstand
Tosti-tos!
He thought this was absolutely hilarious. I got a good "har-har" out of it... and promptly repeated the joke to someone else. A bad pun makes you groan; a good pun makes you groan and then tell someone else the joke.
Because there are too many cheetahs
European
You know, har dee har har. I was surprised to see it was something else. I like puns but it took me awhile before I realised "reddit probably has puns!"
Do you know what the longest word in the dictonary is??
Smiles, because there is a mile between the S's ....
Me: "Some of the ice just hit me in the face!" Dad: "I would too if you tried to break me."
I have a real dad, and a fake dad (my best-friend's stepdad.) I told them both that I wanted to study abroad in the summer.
Real dad: "Why do you want to study abroad? You're already a broad!" Fake dad: "I've studied a broad or two in my day!"
Har. Har.
I work at the local movie theater, and I was selling tickets when:
Dad: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Me: ...? Dad: Tentacles! Har har har!
It was my friend's 15th birthday and for his party his dad drove a bunch of his mates to the local aquatic centre. On the way there he started asking us what we'd been doing with our time and we told him about the band we'd just formed.
We went through each of our band members and what each of us played. Finally got to our last member (who was renowned for being very clumsy and a bit of a class clown) and told him that he played bass. His reply?
"Huh, I thought he'd be playing the fool"
And the boss tells us, "Get back twerk!"
Dad: "Where'd my phone go?"
Me: "I don't know. Why don't you call it?"
Dad: speaking loudly "Phone? Phoooone? PHONE! It doesn't work."
Me: "Har. Har. Har..."
As I stare at the cheese aisle, I'm trying to decide what looks Gouda for my Munster appetite— each cheese goating me to choose it. The truth is, I don't know Jack about cheese selection. But then I realize I Havarti made my choice. I'll go with cheddar, because it has Provolone-standing favorite of mine. Now I better stop this Brie-fore it gets too cheesy.
True story—happened today. Hardy har harlsberg.
Girlfriend: I think I'll grab Wendy's for dinner...
Me: Well then what will she eat?
Girlfriend: <groan followed by a very sarcastic "har har">
"Don't mess with Hugh Jackman. He's got those long nails. And I hear he went to Michigan! Har ar ar ar ar..."
Mom- considering 3 of the 4 of us like Wicked and the other hasn't seen it before... Me- How wicked of you. Rest of family- Hardy har har
Momma: Did you go out last night?
Me: Nah, I'm broke.
Momma: Let's get you fixed then. Har har.
If we're going out somewhere nice, and I decide to wear something different:
Me- I'm going to go change Dad- Hopefully into a nice person
Har har dad. Har. Har.
To which the reply would be "oh yeah, how does your face feel.. CUZ ITS KILLING ME!" har har har.
My dad would say:
Dad: "Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?"
Me: I don't know, why?
Dad: "Because people were dying to get in!"
hardy har har, Dad.
My dad likes to tell every person he meets:
"It's not a vacation, it's an opportunity to work in another location!" har har har har har
Me: "Oh crap, I'm getting out of here!"
Dad: "Are you really that afraid of some bees?"
Me: "You know I'm super allergic to them."
Dad: "Judging by your college transcript I'd say you're more allergic to A's! (har har har) "
Me: -____-
