"Sir, that's a mirror."
His name is Hannibal.
My wife woke up in the middle of the night, threw off the covers and said: “I’m hot!” Without thinking I answered: “I’m just regularly handsome.” She fell asleep giggling.
(We’re in our 60s, married 13 years, nice to be still laughing)
Oh just look at him, he's dashing!
It was a complimentary drink.
The husband replied, “Thanks honey… Without my glasses on, so do you.”
I tell her, "Looks aren't everything".
They're very handy
They always come in handy.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.
The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.
After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.
Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.
When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.
A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.
Han's hot first
Unfortunately for me, I’m neither.
For the beaches 😎
Mr. Seal Yo Girl
Dad [from kitchen]: Yeah?
Ug
handful
...yes my dad told me this joke xD
I just met a handsome monk. He has spent his life abstaining from carnal pleasure. I found him ascetic-ically pleasing.
His company is called Random Axe of Kindness
I’ve already pulled him and the cart up to past the check out folks so I could start putting bags in the cart. The women in the lane over says, “Oh hello there handsome!” Obviously talking to my son, however I shout back, “Oh hey! How’s it going?”
The woman checking us out laughed so hard she had to take a step back and the woman I said it to was so red faced and chuckling she couldn’t really say much! The few folks in line began laughing too so it was pretty funny and the epitome of dad joke! Ha! I’ve made it!
A Heartfrob!
It never make cents
But without hands, im just some guy
So I heard about a handsome thief who got caught recently. Yeah, they say he was pretty light-fingered, but he got caught redhanded trying to palm some seeds. Guess he had a bit of a green thumb. Anyway, he was a-wristed by the long arm of the law, with not a shoulder to cry on. I was shocked; his appearance was so disarming.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.
He's actually a pretty sound guy.
Too bad he got fired, though. Turns out he couldn't handle feedback.
I replied, "You're quite observant, I do have some hands."
I said, “Well, you’re pretty handsome yourself!”
A pretty stand-up guy.
A “hot commodity
My dad said I would be handsome and my mom said I would be beautiful.
Now that I've grown up they've compromised and decided I'm just a handful.
Everyone else got first.
So I looked under the hood and saw a bat sitting in the engine bay.
He told me ‘Hello Sir, you’re a very handsome man and so smartly dressed, too’
Then I saw the problem,
Bat Flattery.
