They age like fine wine.
I'm aging like milk....
Getting sour and chunky.
Ramen.
Adamant
Lettuce pray
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast๐๐ปโค๏ธ
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!๐
Because they tip well
Lettuce pray
It was a blessing in disguise.
OK Boomer
is just a nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"
In fact, there is still no e-quill.
I was talking with my mom about books. I said I rarely read fiction, if I would want fiction's, I'd watch a movie or play a videogame. My mom said she only likes biographies, but "not the ones by different authors, but by the subjects themselves". To which I said:
"You mean autobiographies?"
When my father decided to chime in the topic:
"I'd rather read bicyclebiographies"
me: "what do you mean?"
him: "the opposite".
Right before our families thanksgiving dinner I asked my dad, "being the head of the table, would you like to say grace?"
My Dad: "grace"
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I mention that my friend's parents are engineers at Caterpillar.
Dad: If they work there for a while, maybe they will finally get promoted to work at Butterfly!
Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just werenโt any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.
Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didnโt believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.
He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.
Itโs been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you canโt possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
letโs not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
Itโs just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
So far iโve got: Robin Banks, Ben Dover, Tera Dachtyl, Brock Lee, Justin Tyme, Hit M Hart, Claire Rigg, Al E Gator, Arty Fishel, Dinah Might, Rea Lystic, Grace Full, Tsui Saidel and Faith Truman
It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.
Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.
When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.
The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really donโt know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you donโt overload your capacitors.
The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.
Scissors always cut to the point.
Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you donโt stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.
When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.
Mr. Tea says, โDonโt be a fool, stay in school!โ
i c e i c e w a t e r
Architecture is an aspiring career path.
โPunโ puns donโt add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.
Iโll do algebra. Iโll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.
Plants should always rooted in the ground.
Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.
Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Donโt take these puns for granite.
Cheese puns are grate because you donโt have to ask for parmesan to use them.
Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.
My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.
I am not a fan of wind turbines.
Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.
Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.
Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.
Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.
A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.
I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.
Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.
Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.
I had a conversation with my friend Grace (11yr) today.
G: EGOfoodie, what are you going to eat on your flight to Minnesota. Me: thinks about it Well... G: A plane bagel?
This kid is going places.
I guess you can say it was Three Days Grace.
A stick.
Old dude I was holding the open for at the bank graced me with that one.
Cuz' he wanted to be a Bouncy Hunter!
^^^Please ^^^^don't ^^^^^hurt ^^^^^^me.
^^^^^^^I ^^^^^^^stole ^^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^from ^^^^^^Tear ^^^^^^of ^^^^^^Grace
-
Grace, an Aboriginal woman falls in love with a convict called Ed.
-
Grace's brother, Wilangorga ( commonly known as William) is known for his anger and hate for the English.
-
That does not stop Grace seeing Ed any time possible.
-
One night William is out hunting near the town and sees Ed and Grace together
-
Caught off guard , He tries to scare Ed away so William Shakes Spear.
It's a boutonniere. My mom's boyfriend graced me with this one.
Topher Grace.
Augustus Waters to his parents: "Hey guys, this is Hazel Grace."
Hazel: "Hi, it's just Hazel."
Mr. Waters: "Hi, Just Hazel!"
He had this awesome shit-eating/dad joke smile on his face it was perfct.
Wife: "we need to start saying grace before dinner."
Daughter: "grace."
My 87-year-old grandpa is very hard of hearing and usually takes just a little longer to process thoughts than most people. But he was on top of his game tonight at dinner.
My mom: "Alright, let's say a little grace."
The moment that my mom finished saying the word "grace," my grandpa said, "A little grace."
I guess after being a dad for over 50 years, the jokes come quicker than normal speech. Hopefully, one day I, too, will reach this mastery of the art of dadjoking.
My parents were down in Florida for the week, so I had the house to myself and the following conversation occurred when they came home today.
Dad: Did you vacuum at all?
Me: I was, but just didn't get around to it.
Dad: You know I have some of those in my office.
Me: What?
Dad: Round to its, it is a piece of wood that is round and has the words To It on it. A round to it.
Only been home 10 minutes and was graced with this beauty.
I was eating a quick bite before heading out of town after a visit, and Dad graced me with this one out of the blue:
"You know, I told your mother once that I had never taken a laxative..."
"..."
"...She said I was full of shit."
I'm reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green ( /u/thesoundandthefury ) and in this book a girl visits a boys house. The boy introduces her as 'Hazel Grace'. She then answers 'Just Hazel'.
The next time she comes over, the dad answers the door and says 'Just Hazel, nice to see you'.
As my dad was driving me to college we saw a sign called the Havre De Grace Decoy Museum. My dad asks me, "If that is the decoy museum, where is the real one?!
Girlfriend: Shall we say grace?
Me: Grace
[insert eye rolling here]
Picture this.
A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.
My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.
This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."
My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"
Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"
My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"
I've never been more proud of him.
We were walking around Home Depot and I tripped over a mop that had fallen, which brought down some items near me. Naturally, everyone within the vicinity looked at me and at this moment, my mother's boyfriend says: "Just call her 'Grace'."
Lettuce pray.
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.
I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.
it was a farfalle from grace.
Edit: Whoa! Woke up to so many upvotes! Thank you!
