Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex
I asked my blonde g/f, "What do you call a creature that is half man and half animal?"
In a flash she said, "Buffalo Bill."
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
After a half century of study, I’ve discovered the true connection between mind and body.
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.
I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.
What do you call someone who's half African and half Asian?
What do you say when your sister steps on your foot and breaks your toe in half?
I was going on an illegal half marathon yesterday and the cops caught me.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse?
A centaur for disease control
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control
A half, a third, and a sixth all walk into a bar...
The bartender sees them and immediately yells at the bouncer, “Hey!! Stop putting wholes in my bar!!”
Why does Sean Connery watch Two and a Half Men on mute?
Because Charlie should be sheen and not heard.
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!
Turns out it was a total sham
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
The czech government month and a half ago...
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
Can anyone explain why last night’s Oscars were only a minute and a half?
I didn’t watch but heard something on the news about the 92nd Oscars ceremony last night.
A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...
Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family?
Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure
Manager: “she was ALL RIGHT.”
Me: oh, I thought you were going to say “There’s nothing LEFT.”
The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
An englishman, a frenchman, an african and a half-japanese man all order iced tea
I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf
Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,
For years I told my daughter she was 1/2 Human & 1/2 Mermaid ... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Just made up my 1st dad joke, that I can think of after being a father for 3 and a half years.
I'm pushing my shopping cart to the cart corral after this loading my car with groceries. This lady is walking to the store and asks "Is that a good one" I says "yeah, I just had her tuned up" and then " it runs pretty smooth". All I got was a smile from her but I couldn't stop laughing on the inside myself.
I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so...
I'm drinking if you're buying
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"
"The ambulance", he says.
Im gonna start making batting cage business that only accepts pennies, dimes,quarters, half dollars, and dollar coins
Gonna call it Nickel-less Cage
What do you eat when your Pop Tarts get stuck and break in half in the toaster?
My father pointed at these boots at the store today and told me 'they're half off'. Thought this deserved to be here.
Someone cut a periodic table in half and the while neighborhood exploded
Shouldn’t have been splitting atoms
Hairy plotter and the half-assed prints
A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.
His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.
What's half way between good and evil?
Son: “Dad, are you alright?” Dad: “No, I’m half left and half right.” Happy Father's day!
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
If I was cut in half and thrown out of a plane, You could say...
Mom said we’re out of half and half
I was tuning a guitar. While doing this one of the stings snapped in half perfectly. I took one half and stretched It out. I managed to get it on. One problem though. As soon as I played it shot straight to the ceiling.
I’d never heard or seen such a high note.
I bleached half my hair about 6 months ago and I drive a Corolla. Corolla de Vil?
Statistically, if you take the entire population of the US and cut them in half
I hit a man and i broke half his nose,
What do you call someone who is half iron and half male?
In Greek mythology, Chiron was half man, half horse. He had knowledge and wisdom in medicine.
You could say he was the centaur for disease control
I am teaching my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
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