I just finished Grosse Pointe Blank and now I’m putting on Good Will Hunting.
My annoying little brother asks me which bug grosses me out this ants or those ticks...
I replied I am really getting tired of your ant ticks.
Why should you never offer gross food to a Russian?
This isn’t just gross - it’s fucking fowl
People who sell meat are gross.
But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
Selling porn is gross
but selling food and small household items is grocer.
My kid asked "GROSS!! How can you fart so much!?!?"
I said, "That's just what happens when you become a dad... all of these paternal in stinks just start coming out!"
Roadkill is gross.
The person who runs a supermarket is grocer.
Accountant: what is your gross income?
My dad: there's no need to insult my income like that.
Captain Kirks wife has just opened a new lingerie shop.
Its called Shatner Knickers.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good! Turns out...
...that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
A guy came in with 144 rotten eggs.
My son keeps all his boogers in a journal. He's up to 143.
I told him "One more and it'll be truly gross"
What do you call the money your garbage business earns?
It's cold and gross outside, but spring is just around the corner!
The hotel room I’m staying in is a gross place
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
My wife saw me sneezing in the bathroom and said it's gross.
My vegetarian daughter said that butchers are gross...
But I told her that people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Coworker told me he was tired of people screwing up and “gross human incontinence”
Amazon is selling oysters on the half shell (144 per case). That’s just gross.
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied.
"I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Itsy Bitsy Spider — Dad version
Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:
"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!
achoo splat bleah"
Substitute $name for Mia.
Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.
I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.
Spent all day rinsing several palates of damaged Coca-Cola cans at the food bank today. The stuff at the bottom was ... gross. At home mom asked what we did.
We sorted sorta sordid sodas.
Vegans must think we meat eaters are gross.
In our defence, a person who sells vegetables is grocer.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
I just opened up a comedy club that serves gross pizza.
I'm calling it Chuckl E. Cheeses
If you have too many 12s…
Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer
People who sell meat are gross.
But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
People who sell meat are gross
But people who sell produce are grocer
People who sell meat are gross
But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
Vegan son : People who sell meat are gross
dad: people who sell fruits/vegetables are grocer
Vegan Son: People who sell Meat are gross
Dad: People who sell Fruits and Vegetables are Grocer
People who sell meat are gross....
People who sell veg are grocer.
While people who sell meat can be gross...
People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
I asked dad if sneezing in public is gross.
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