Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
Man....we were wild .
Me: Mommy tells me that all the time.
He has a near photographic memory, I'm hoping one day when he's twenty he coughs out his cold cereal in college as he gets the joke.
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
A bañana.
But dad,they taste just like regular people.
Me: You just really ate to see it
Because that would be two farty.
I said, a table is an excellent place to eat.
Is this a trick question?
Tasty
cal
It was as big as the last two combined!
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
Now I'm raisin awareness
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Because he conditions it.
It goes back four seconds.
For context, my dad had a leg amputation a few months back but he’s been in mostly good spirits about it. We were talking about places to eat in our area, and he asked where one of the fast food restaurants was around here, so I said “It’s at the intersection, where the IHOP is.”
Dad replied, “Oh, that’s my favorite place to get breakfast.”
I never got food with my dad at IHOP before so I was confused, but then it dawned on me what he meant. 😐
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
Cold turkey.
But its harder to deter gents
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Lunch is on me.
I replied, "Yes, they certainly stand up to all scroutony!"
We were trading pieces of sushi around and he went to put one on my plate when he accidentally stabbed it with his chopstick, making it fall apart. Then he chuckled to himself and said, "Looks like I stab-otaged it!"
Many laughs were had.
I have never had a beef with them.
We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
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Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
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Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.
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Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!
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Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.
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Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.
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Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? He must be plotting something.
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Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
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What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple
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What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.
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Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.
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What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.
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I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
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Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.
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Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
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What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
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How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
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Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!
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Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
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Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.
An Impasta
(First post here)
Me: I don’t think very fast at all
Wife: Why not?!
Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back...
Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
Guacawakamole.
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
She craves anarchy.
Me: food Son: what kind of food? Me: good food Son: sigh, what kind of good food? Me: really, good food Me: what time do you want to eat? Son: dinnertime
...... very good my young padawan
I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.
I took my kid sister to In-N-Out for dinner. I asked for my burger with no pickles. I took a bite and said, "I definitely just bit into a pickle."
She looked at me and said, "Dill with it."
"Fuck you,pear. You taste like shit."
“A cat” I said. “Cats love fish.
“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.
“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.
After dinner, the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
