*howls aggressively* "IM GOIN ALL IN BABY"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thunder_struck_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Goin’ shoppin’
πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_wastl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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Kids wanted to go the Y. Told em where goin to the Z...

Z backyard

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funkymonkeypp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Nobody wanted to sing Whitesnake with me...

So here I go again on my own.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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What did the aliens say when they came down to earth?

Gday mate, how you goin?

Turns out they were Australiens

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaxsee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I googled how to start a fire...

I got 48,500 matches

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once...

...going twice…

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2017
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Knock Knock. Who’s there? Panther. Panther Who?

Panth er no panth, I’m goin’ thwimmin’

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seattledandy
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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Dad walked in on me using his treadmill

"Where you goin'?"

πŸ‘︎ 281
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pottos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2014
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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My son left his luggage in the garage

Where ya goin' son?

To grab my bag.

The bathroom has more privacy, son.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/An00bis_Maximus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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My co-worker called my phone and said "Hey, it's me..."

"Hi Me, how's it goin'?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lionkin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
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Me: Is it the 3rd?

Dad: all day long!

This one has been goin strong for 25 years

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grantbwilson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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One of my dads favorites

Me: I'm goin to run to the store
Dad: You should take the car, itll be faster

Same joke, every time I say I'm going to run somewhere

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blaptein
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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The Boyfriend put queen sized sheets on our full sized mattress. He came out of the room and hit me with this:

"There ya go, now we have plenty of sheet to fight over."

bahaha. Congratulations silly boyfriend - you're goin' on the internets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalivatingMoron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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