Fish N Chips Puns

Five fish got battered and a bunch of chips were a-salted.

They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was

the chip monk!

While wandering around he bumps into a old man in robes cooking.

With a grin the drunk man asks “Are you the fish friar?”

“No brother” he replied “I’m the chip monk”

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

So my dad and I were walking down the waterfront after getting fish and chips, and we walked past an antique shop. We hadn't been to this area in a while.

Dad: It's been ages since I've been in there.

Me: Well they don't have anything new.

Needless to say he had a chuckle.

I've seen a fish and chip shop called Fishcoteque and a kebab shop called Abrakebabra. But what would be a good name for a Nazi memorabilia/antique shop?

Suggestions gratefully received!

(Equiry purely out of interest, no plans on opening one!)

There's the fish friar and the chip monk.

My dad looks at a sign hanging on the wall and reads aloud "Fresh fish and chips, caught locally."

Turns to me and says, 'I wonder how they catch the chips.'

I'm a server at a local restaurant. A couple came in and both of them ordered fish and chips. As I'm bringing it out to them, the wife says, "Holy mackerel, that's a lot of food!" I responded with, "Actually, we use cod instead, but it's delicious nonetheless." They didn't realize what happened until I scurried away giggling.

I got some fish and chips and a deep fried mars bar with my girlfriend and afterwards she was critiquing the deep fried mars bar.

Girlfriend: It was pretty good, but the batter was too thick. There was too much before you got to the melted mars bar

Me: So...you're saying that it could have been batter?

I didn't look at her, but I could tell she was glaring at me

My science professor is in his 50s and he's constantly making dad jokes during his lectures.

Yesterday he was talking about Gregor Mendel. He said every year at Mendel's monastery, they would harvest their fish and have a big fish fry. He went on to say that they eventually got potatoes from other countries and they basically had fish and chips.

He said at one of the fish fries, someone asked Mendel if he was the fish friar.

Mendel replied "No, I'm the chip monk."

Edit: Spelling error.

Ramsay: So how can you screw up fish & chips?

Chef: It was not communicated right, chef.

Ramsy: Oh you didn't talk to the fish enough?

The fish got battered and the chips got assaulted

A man walks into an establishment, goes up to the counter and says: “Hi, can I buy some fish and chips please” The lady responds: “Sir this is a library” The man: whispers “Sorry, can I buy some fish and chips please”

One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk!