Fire Departments Puns

call the hotline.

So I called the fire department, man.

The fire department did they’re best to deal with the fire at the bakery but were unable to save the employees because it was already too late. They were toast.

Why would i do that, call fire department.

Which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire department.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

I started interning at an animal hospital last week. It's in a slightly rough neighbourhood, so when two girls got into a loud argument across the street, someone called the cops out of worry.

A few minutes later, we see two cop cars and a fire truck where the argument took place. A Vet Technician (a nurse for animals) asked me, "What's going on?" I told her, "Two girls got into an argument across the street and someone called the cops."

She says, "But why is the fire department here?" I tell her, "Maybe the argument got too heated."

She proceeded to tell the doctors, and then she gave me a high five.

Every time I walk by this "Liquor" fire department connection at Costco I have to fight the urge to make a "hook me up" joke to anyone within earshot.