...he’s really a big lyre.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
I put my hand on his shoulder and said they're there.
For me, she ticks Alderaan boxes.
He said, "I dig the past!"
she said she was positive she could find some
I’m sure he’d be okay with a card that said ‘Happy Birthd’, eh?
SAMURAI
When he found it, he said "Aqui!"
When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.
I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."
My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"
I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."
He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
My mom’s friend is trying to write a card for her husband for Valentine’s Day, and he loves gnomes. Shes trying to find gnome puns to put in the card associated with Valentine’s Day. Please help because I don’t know any good gnome puns.
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.
Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:
EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!
Also, thanks for the gold.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡So I have this friend who I call Hope (which she finds annoying btw) so I want to tell her hope puns to annoy her. Please help, you're my only hope
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1, 2, 3, 4..." and I don't think he'll like it, but my friend said, "It's the thot that counts".
A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...
Necessary Terminology: Toonie= Canadian $2 Coin
Friend's Facebook Status: "Laundromats aren't so bad when you find a toonie in the drier."
I commented: "If the drier cost $2, you could call it a wash!"
I was sort of proud of my dad-joke, so later that day, I told my dad the story.
Dad: "Do you think she'll be arrested?" Me: "No, why?" Dad: "For Money Laundering"
My friend is shopping and asks where she can find raisins...
I respond: "They're where the grapes used to be."
This was a conversation i had with a friend
friend: Dad jokes aren't good tho
Under any circumstances
me: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
friend: Commit oxygen not reach lungs
me: What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
friend: Please
Stop...
I beg of you
me: it's funny cause there's no oxygen in space
friend: I know the point of the joke
me: i was talkin about "Commit oxygen not reach lungs"
friend: Oh my god...
me: one more for good measure
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"my work here is done
friend: Dad jokes are gay
me: i tried to find a gay dad joke
i wasn't very happy with the results
friend: Ha
me: wasn't very happy
friend: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
me: this has been the best
friend: cri
Hello guys, I need some help with finding some toe-related puns for my friend who broke her toe. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
His car crashes into a tree, and he escapes unhurt though his car is badly damaged. However, he needs to find somewhere to stay overnight. The man wanders alnog the road until he comes across a monastery. He knocks on the door, and a friendly monk answers.
Man: I've crashed my car and need a place to stay tonight, might I have one of your rooms?
Monk: of course, come right this way.
The monk shows the man to a room, and the man goes to sleep. At midnight, the man is awoken by a loud thumping on the ceiling. He thinks nothing of it and goes to bed, sleeping soundly the rest of the night.
The next day at breakfast he asks one of the monks about the thumping. The monk replies,"sorry, I can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man figures that that's a pretty fair response, and goes to try and fix his car.
After working on the car all day, the man returns to the monastery and asks to stay another night. The monks of course oblige, and the man goes back to the same room. This night, he is awakened by the same thumping, this time even louder. He wonders about it and eventually drifts off to sleep.
The next day, the man continues to work on the car, and needs to stay just one more night to complete it. The monks are happy to give him a room, but the man asks to me moved to a different room so he won't hear the thumping. The man goes to bed but is awakened by even louder thumping.
He decides to go investigate, and climbs the stairs, only to find a locked iron door, with the thumping coming from behind it. Unsatisfied, he goes back to bed.
The next morning, he asks the lead monk about the thumping. The lead monk replies,"sorry, can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man, filled with curiosity, asks the leader how to become a monk. The leader gives him 3 tasks: the first, to circumnavigate the globe, to learn about culture, the second task, to cut an entire field with scissors to learn patience, and the third, to memorize the entire monk book, to learn discipline.
The man completes all the tasks, and the leader takes him up to the iron door and pulls out a key. He opens the door to reveal the Monk's greatest secret.
If you're wondering what it is, I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you aren't a monk.
Walking out of a hardware store with my friend he sees a new Coke brand refrigerator. He says,
"My dad tried to get one like that but he couldn't find one. They don't sell them to just anyone"
I immediately responded,
"Yeah you've gotta be a coke dealer"
Laughing ensued on my part all the way home while he just looked at me like I betrayed him. I'm assuming that means it was a perfect dad joke.
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit ➡The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.
The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.
The Duke of Dance: help.
Sans: I gotta write these down.
The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit
The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.
Sans: I find this humerus.
The Duke of Dance: damn
The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.
The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.
Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.
The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.
The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.
The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.
The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.
Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?
The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.
Sans: That was alright.
The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?
The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.
The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop
Sans: I'm having a pun time.
The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.
The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.
The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.
The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.
The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.
The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?
Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?
The Duke of Dance: Do
The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?
The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.
Sans: I don't see any arrows.
Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.
The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.
Sans: Have you any backbone?
The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.
The Duke of Dance: :3
Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER
The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?
The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.
The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.
Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.
The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again
... keep reading on reddit ➡I honestly just had a dream that belongs here. At the start of the dream, I meticulously engraved the word "Over" into a knife when I started getting all these friends and old contacts telling me to leave them alone and blocking me... when I didn't say shit. I finally notice somebody is going through my contacts on all social media one at a time and just ruining friendships sending lewd photos of their junk.
I realize it's coming from my computer at home and I can't get remoted into it so I start driving home... only to get caught in a bunch of tornados. One smaller one picks me up and throws my car about 20ft knocking my wheel loose.
I limp my car away from that tornado only to find another doing like a Mexican standoff with me on the highway. I turned to the random person in my passenger seat holding up the knife and said "Wind or Loose, it'll be Over in a Flash" and I woke up. Now I feel the need to change all my passwords...
I told my brothers friends that men and ants were the only species who can conduct war.
One of them asked "Who made the study to find that out?"
And from behind comes "An Ant-thropologist"
I was talking to a friend on Skype; at one point, I realised that I had to go to the bathroom.
"I'll be right back, I have to pee," I said.
"All right sure," she replied.
When I left, I put my laptop on the floor, the screen facing upwards, so as to avoid the ventilator being drowned by my duvet.
When I returned, I realised the webcam was pointing toward the ceiling, and I asked her:
"Did you find my ceiling interesting?"'
"Nah, I was looking at something else,"
And then, I saw my chance. It was glorious. Like golden wings borne on scarlet sunlight had brought me to Enlightenment, and I instantly replied with what is perhaps my greatest feat of pun yet:
"You know, that really hurts my ceilings."
This literally just happened.
Context: I'm 30yrs old. Got my own place. My dad and his business partner are staying with me for a meeting they have in the morning. Dad's friend is browsing the news on his laptop. He casually says Neil Young's birthday is today. He's 70 years old.
My dad goes "I guess he's Neil Old now"
Is it a sign of getting old when I find his dad jokes hilarious?
3 strings are wandering in a desert. After hours of wandering they eventually find a bar. One string says to the others "hey guys stay here I'll go get us a drink". He walks into the bar and orders 3 drinks. The bartender says "sorry kid we don't allow strings here, get out of my bar". The string sadly walks out of the bar and tells his friends he couldn't get a drink. One of the other strings says "don't worry guys I got this". So he puts a sombrero and a fake mustache on and walks into the bar and orders 3 drinks. The bartender tells the disguised string "sure thing 3 drinks coming... Hey wait a minute! You're a a string aren't you? Get out of my bar!" The string obeys and rejoins his other friends. He tells them "sorry guys this bartender really doesn't like strings". Finally, the last string says to his friends "Not to worry fellas I got this, for real this time. So the strings ties himself and walks into the bar. The bartender recognizes the string and asks him "Hey you're a string aren't you?!" The string replied "No... I'm afraid knot"
I was watching my friend's softball game last night, sitting with his wife as their two twin 4-ish-year-old daughters ran around. One of them was intent on finding the crickets that were chirping all night. Finally she runs up to us and says "I hear the crickets over there. I'm going to go look for them!"
As she runs off I say "Watch, all she'll find over there is a bad comedian."
Forgive me, it's a problem.
So I was looking for my phone a few days ago (I had plans with a friend) and I asked my Dad to call it, since the ringtone would go off and reveal where it was. Me: "Hey Dad, can you call my phone? I can't find it." Dad: "Sure Minihawking" "Minihawking's phone! Minihawking's phone!" "There, I called it, but it didn't respond!" "I'm serious Dad, I have to leave in a bit" "Hi there 'serious Dad I have to leave in a bit', I'm Dad!" At first I was a bit upset that he wasn't helping (I was in a hurry), but it was rather funny now that I think of it.
I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.
I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.
Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"
Dad: "I think so."
Me: "Well, what was it?"
Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."
We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.
Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.
Bonus story #1:
I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.
He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.
Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."
Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"
Me: "No way!"
Old man: "Do you want to see some?"
Bonus story #2:
That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."
His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so
... keep reading on reddit ➡Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
heading out the door with my friend Me: "hold on, I have to find my car keys" Him: "khakis? I'm wearin em!"
So, I have this friend named Mikee. I was over at her house with a couple of other friends for a road trip, and her dad started going crazy looking for something. He calls out "Hey, has anyone seen this heart-shaped box?"
So we all decided to look around for this heart-shaped box, and she eventually finds it. So she calls out to him "Hey dad! I think I found the box!" He comes in, and she gives him the box. Curious, I decided to ask him "So, what's in it?"
Smiling, he turns to me, and pulls out what was in the box.
"My keys."
He gives Mikee a hug, while everyone else is simultaneously awwing and groaning, while Mikee looks ready to die of embarrassment.
I always appreciated subtle and "ohmygod," "did he really mean.." response enducing jokes from here.. now, my friend is getting discharged from Army after 3 years of service, and i would like to make a video for him. But i would like to crack some jokes on it too; but i cant seem to find an angle. Can y'all help a brother out?
As a consultant I find my workday is made up of continuous meeting after meeting.
Today I shared my schedule with a friend, to which he responded
"You didn't choose the meeting life, the meeting life chose...Oh wait" - friend
To which I responded
"What is the meeting of life?" - Me
Yay work is fun!
Today at school in the locker room, a bunch of freshmen were fighting over who had released a 'noxious gas' earlier. My friend turns to me and says "Wow, they're pretty into finding out who dealt it." To which I replied "I agree. They must have a private intestigator." I'm pretty proud of myself for that one. I think it might be my best pun to date.
And it's common to find döner and kebap as street food. After walking around a whole day with my friends, we found a 3 seat bench and squeezed all 4 of us on it. After we settled, I turned to my friends and said "Hehehe. 'Squish' kebap." Head shakes, groans, and "so bad, it's good" laughter followed.
My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):
These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.
whoosh
whoosh
whoosh
The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.
"What the hell is that noise?"
"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."
"The Foo bird?"
"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."
"That's silly."
"Well, that's what the locals say."
The noise gets louder and closer.
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.
"It's huge!"
Suddenly...
SPLAT
All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.
The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."
He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.
The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"
He wipes it off and drops dead.
The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.
A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.
"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."
He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.
He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.
The moral of the story is:
If the Foo shits, wear it.
Friend is taking his wet laundry out and finds a peanut.
"Yoooo, there's a peanut in my laundry."
"That's a little nutty."
Friend spazzed a little bit before staring at me.
As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:
- Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
- Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
- Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my bait. He tentatively responded, asking more about what he could get out of the deal for himself. After much persistence on my part, he finally declined, trying his best to let me down gently. As my poor little heart finally broke completely in two, I decided to alleviate the social tension, replying to him, "Alright man, well, suit yourself."
I used to work at a record store in my younger years (read: my 20's). Im working with my friend Tony and the store is dead. A guy walks in and approaches the counter where we are both standing. After the usual greeting, the guy asks "Where do y'all keep the Little Feat". Without missing a beat, I say "in little shoes." I break out laughing, while Tony says "it's right over here in pop. I'll show you". I continued to laugh for about 20 minutes.
Also, no one ever finds this funny. It still makes me chuckle.
It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.
The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.
The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.
Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.
Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.
About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.
"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.
"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.
"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."
"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
At the pub, my friend tries whisky for the first time. I ask "How do you find the whisky?"
He replies "I look at the table, and there it is!"
"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:
-
A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"
-
When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.
-
A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"
-
A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"
-
A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."
-
A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"
-
A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"
-
A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'
-
An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."
-
A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"
-
A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"
You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y
... keep reading on reddit ➡Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.
When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on. They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests. The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.
So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking. His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:
He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look. "Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there?"
My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.
Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.
My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.
At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!
We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.
Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!
Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.
We get to the little lodge thing, and my friend leaves his sodden boots outside to dry. The next morning, we get up to find that the local mutts have torn them to pieces.
He's pretty upset, and wondering what to do: 'Do you think my insurance will cover it?' he ponders...
'Nah mate, check your policy. You'll find there are exemptions for 'Theft, Fire, and Acts of Dog'
Been a dad just over a year now - Trying to find a parking spot at the zoo with my wife, daughter, and our friend.
Blind kid and mother start to cross the street and my wife is afraid I'm going to hit them and makes it known. My response,
"Well, he wouldn't see it coming!" Laughed for far too long after that.
My friend said this on facebook: "Really digging this new Living Sacrifice Album. Also excited to find out that Still Remains released a new album!!"
My response, as if there could possibly be more than one:
"So, you're saying that Still Remains... still remains?"
I'm a dad to a 19-month old, so I have to get all my practice in now that way I'm a pro by the time he's old enough to understand my awesome dad jokes.
My friends and I were going to Jones Beach on Long Island. We got lost on the way and it took us a bit longer to find it than we had planned. I burst out with this line: "If only we had gone to Short Island instead, we'd be at the beach by now!"
I'm at my buddy's parent's house last night for his little birthday shindig with some friends. His mom is there and, while she's super sweet, she tends to find compliments for everything even if they're not needed.
His mom gets to talking to one of our friends about how the friend works at a bookstore downtown which happens to be a two storey building.
Friend's mom: "Oh, you work at Barnes and Noble? It must be nice to work there. It's such a building. It's so nice that it has two storeys."
Me: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more than two stories in there..."
back story: So my mom had a friend come over last night and i was in the kitchen getting a glass of water. They are talking about board games for whatever reason. So here's how it went down.
Mom: my favorite board game is sorry! Friend: my game of sorry is ruined because my son spilled milk on it. me: oh I'm "sorry" to hear that.
I cracked up. they didn't find it as funny.
We were talking about flying planes when one of my friends told a story about how another plane that was significantly faster than his passed him.
Him: "Yeah, man, they flew right by us!"
Me: "Well yeah, how else are they gonna do it?"
I was pleasantly surprised, yet strangely disappointed, to find them laughing instead of groaning.
Being of Native American descent I lack the ability to grow a full beard. My wife finds this a great source of comedic inspiration and dropped this gem.
Wife: You know why Prerblo can't grow a beard.
Friend: I don't know. Why?
Wife: Because it's all apache.
Today my family was moving furniture around, and a couple friends came over to help. When rearranging my room, my dad asked if we'd end up finding any porn. Me: "Yeah, I keep my porn stash under my bed." My friend: "Really? I keep my porn stache on my face."
Sadly, it took me a second to fully comprehend.
I am just getting back from dinner with my girlfriend and her dad. He was telling a story about how, back in the day, he and a friend of his were on a trip to Europe. I forget why, but they had an option to either go back home to the states or travel without their group for another two weeks. They decided to stay and travel and made a stop in Venice. While there, he and his friend had made it their goal to find and photograph a blind man.
Why?
"So I could show people a picture of a Venetian blind."
My girlfriend groaned audibly. I laughed uproariously.
During a Skype chat, where my sister's profile photo was a beautiful landscape with flowers.
Dad: Did you find that photo somewhere online or did you take it?
Sister: I took it!
Dad: What! Who did you take it from? You know that's stealing, right?
Groans all around.
(bonus mediocre joke: my sister was mentioning how she writes to her friend who lives in Germany, but her friend never checks her email. "Of course she doesn't, she's German, not Czech," quoth Dad.)
My boyfriend was just finishing up cooking for his friends as one of them was plating the food. He (friend A) asked his girlfriend (friend B) to find him a fork.
Friend A: "did you find a fork?"
Friend B: "no, but I do have a spork!"
Friend A: "I don't need that, I hate using sporks!"
Me: "aw, don't be such a spoiled spork!"
I at least got a groan from one of them
I look around the lunch room for a plate, but all I can find are cups. As I walk out with my cake people look at me strange saying "A cup?"
My friend chimes in: "Yea, It's a cupcake"
He's going places...
Not an actual told by dad joke, but it was definitely along those lines. So, Skyping with SO and friend from Canada, and SO and I are talking about moving in together and finding an apartment. I made the suggestion that my best friend move in with us, the following conversation ensues.
Me: The only issue I have with her moving in is... Oliver.
Friend: Uh...
SO: Friend has child.
F: Oh. I thought the only issue you had with her was all of her.
So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story
Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, “Acriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”
I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.
C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.
C responded with, “I guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.
Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.
My mom and dad are funeral directors, and we live in an apartment on top of the shop.
I was at a friends house yesterday, and my dad came around to pick me up. The friends house is like far out into the woods, so it's kinda hard to find, but he got in on the first try. So I got in the car and this conversation happened:
Thanks for picking me up, glad you could find the place.
>No problem, it's what I do for a living
??
>I get called up in the middle of the night, get in my car and drive to some house I've never been to before
...
>Then I pick someone up who needs my help, drive them all the way back to the shop and feel that I've done something good this night.
He's the only person I know that is able to joke around this much about his profession. It's pretty darn cool!
Went out drinking with some friends last night, after a couple hours I ran out of money and couldn't find an ATM, so one of my friends paid for me to get into the club and bought me a beer.
When I paid him back the next morning, "Hey man, here you go. Thanks for covering my baht last night."
Person- "hey I lost my contact! If you find it please tell me."
Friend- "does it have your contact information" wink then horrible dad laugh
This would happen way too many times during my childhood and I never learnt... maybe because I couldn't actually find another way to express it.. anyway:
My eye would be sore and hurting really bad
Dad: What's the matter? Me: I've got something in my eye. Dad: Yeah, your eyeball.
-seriously unhelpful while I can't even see properly...thanks Dad-
I have however used it to friends as I got older... they also found it to be rather unhelpful and annoying lol.
True Dad jokes are only funny if you're on the outside of the problem haha.
... when he went to the back to find a phone case for my friend. He came back out and said, "sorry, no dice."
I said, "that's okay, we were looking for phone cases."
So we were getting ready to head to a family friend's barbecue, and I couldn't find my watch.
Me: Hey Dad, have you seen my watch? I can't find it.
Dad: It's a great mystery. Will you ever find your watch? Only time will tell.
Friend: I can't find my phone and it's on vibrate!
Dad: Well you know what they say right?
Friend: No, what?
Dad: If you liked it then you should've put a ring in it.
Friend: I can't find my phone.
Me: Do you want me to call it?
Friend: Yeah thanks.
Me: [FRIENDS NAME]'S PHONE!?!?!?!?!
works every time.
In class and my friend could not find the correct laptop charger. My Teacher then said:
Friend: I can't find the right charger!
Teacher: Have you tried looking for the left one?
Everyone:...
All 19 people were silent, I was dying from laughter.
Why did the chicken refuse to cross the Golden Gate Bridge?
He found it to suspenseful.
I randomly made this one up to bug my son. Told it to him in front of several of his friends. The got it. But they didn't like it. I still find it funny.
My friend is buying loads of watches and sending them to a girl's house to pick up.
So naturally he said he said he hopes she doesn't find it too annoying, but "boy will she have a lot of time on her hands".
My dad should've been there.
I was on the phone with my dad, and he told me he'd put me in touch with a friend of his about finding a job. I asked who, but just then my dad sneezed into the phone.
Me: "Thanks! What's his name? I'll give him a call."
Dad: loud, noisy sneeze
Me: "Huh, I don't think we've met. How do you spell that?"
Dad: "Not funny. I need a tissue."
