I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filling with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?

They're both in bread.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Highway-Amazing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad doesn't like filling stations.

He says they give him gas.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are waffles so filling?

Because they’re wa-fulls not waff-empties.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/francethefifth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
While filling up a survey, I came across a gender option: Canadian.

I guess I am Eh-sexual.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My coworker was trying to reorganize his filling cabinet and got stuck when he discovered a bunch of documents about Italian dictators.

I told him to file them as Mussollaneous.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ngabear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I surprised my wife by filling her car up with gas today.

She seemed pretty tank-full.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
People say filling animals with helium is wrong.

Okay, whatever floats your goat!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Guys, I had a really exhausting day yesterday, filling in forms and calculating the surplus of money I had to pay to the country.

It was a taxing day.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaziWookie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was with my son in the sandbox and he said, β€œtake this shovel and start filling up this bucket, got it?”

I dig.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.
πŸ‘︎ 415
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weaponG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I was filling out the SAT form and asked if it was the SAT with essay or not

Of course it is. It’s the essayt

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dahvos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
[At an Indian restaurant] Dad: β€œThese triangular pastries with spicy filling are excellent!”

Waiter: Samosa?

Dad: No thanks. I’m already full.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: (Smiling while filling out paperwork at the DMV) Son: Dad, why are you smiling? The DMV sucks! Dad: Let's just say your mom probably won't let me run errands anymore...
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_mcfly27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Filling out a report at work... and finding ways to amuse myself while doing so
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumusGoose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a job I need filling. Trainee contortionist wanted.

Must be flexible

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently started a new job in a cafe where I have to prepare all the fillings for cheese toasties.

It’s grate

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a car show in a huge warehouse and everyone was just touching all the cars filling the huge room...

It was wall-to-wall car petting.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was filling out a skill testing question using my back as a table.

She was have trouble with the question so she just googled the answer and wrote it down. I told her that I was leaving her. Why she asked me. I told you I would leave you if you ever cheated on me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
You should respect your teeth, they have fillings too
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haydstradamus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are mushrooms so filling?

Because once you've eaten them you don't have mushroom left.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/howeynick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand...

He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.

His arm instantly catches on fire.

The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.

A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My child today was filling out holiday cards for their teachers. They wrote the wrong letter and said to me...

"I messed the 'f' up"

I looked at them and struggled to not laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/197708156EQUJ5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Filling out prescriptions and helping to plant crops are basically the same job

One’s a pharmacist and the other’s a farm assist

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...

They arrest him for waving a fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormtrooper-85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I found six toes in my sandwich filling

must be because it's in bread.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsnathanhere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontdothisman66
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone aroused by filling in the top line of an Excel spreadsheet?

A header row sexual.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OtterBurrow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
This morning my wife was at the kitchen table filling out cheques...

Me: What are you writing cheques for?

Her: Rent, loan, the usual. Why?

Me: Just checking...

<stunned silence>

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DV8_2XL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Apartment complex was filling up the pool.

Me, "how much water are they gonna put in there!? You can't even read the footage!"

Friend's sister, "you don't read footage, you watch it."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZehFritoBandito
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Some people say filling balloon animals with helium is wrong.

But whatever floats your goat.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
People say filling animals with helium is wrong...

I say "whatever floats your goat."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guy2things
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
While filling an online survey, I came across a gender option: Canadian.

I think they meant Eh-sexual.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Like filling animals with helium?

Whatever floats your goat.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomHopeless
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Some people think filling animals is wrong.

I dont judge. Whatever floats your goat!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
🚨︎ report
People tell me "filling animals with helium is bad"

but I say "whatever floats your goat!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n8yi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
🚨︎ report

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