I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filling with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
My dad doesn't like filling stations.
He says they give him gas.
Why are waffles so filling?
Because they’re wa-fulls not waff-empties.
While filling up a survey, I came across a gender option: Canadian.
My coworker was trying to reorganize his filling cabinet and got stuck when he discovered a bunch of documents about Italian dictators.
I told him to file them as Mussollaneous.
I surprised my wife by filling her car up with gas today.
She seemed pretty tank-full.
People say filling animals with helium is wrong.
Okay, whatever floats your goat!
Guys, I had a really exhausting day yesterday, filling in forms and calculating the surplus of money I had to pay to the country.
I was with my son in the sandbox and he said, “take this shovel and start filling up this bucket, got it?”
I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.
I was filling out the SAT form and asked if it was the SAT with essay or not
Of course it is. It’s the essayt
[At an Indian restaurant] Dad: “These triangular pastries with spicy filling are excellent!”
Waiter: Samosa?
Dad: No thanks. I’m already full.
Dad: (Smiling while filling out paperwork at the DMV) Son: Dad, why are you smiling? The DMV sucks! Dad: Let's just say your mom probably won't let me run errands anymore...
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Filling out a report at work... and finding ways to amuse myself while doing so
I have a job I need filling. Trainee contortionist wanted.
I recently started a new job in a cafe where I have to prepare all the fillings for cheese toasties.
I went to a car show in a huge warehouse and everyone was just touching all the cars filling the huge room...
It was wall-to-wall car petting.
My wife was filling out a skill testing question using my back as a table.
She was have trouble with the question so she just googled the answer and wrote it down.
I told her that I was leaving her.
Why she asked me.
I told you I would leave you if you ever cheated on me.
You should respect your teeth, they have fillings too
Why are mushrooms so filling?
Because once you've eaten them you don't have mushroom left.
A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand...
He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.
His arm instantly catches on fire.
The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.
A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.
My child today was filling out holiday cards for their teachers. They wrote the wrong letter and said to me...
"I messed the 'f' up"
I looked at them and struggled to not laugh.
Filling out prescriptions and helping to plant crops are basically the same job
One’s a pharmacist and the other’s a farm assist
A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...
They arrest him for waving a fire arm.
Today I found six toes in my sandwich filling
must be because it's in bread.
A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas
A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"
What do you call someone aroused by filling in the top line of an Excel spreadsheet?
This morning my wife was at the kitchen table filling out cheques...
Me: What are you writing cheques for?
Her: Rent, loan, the usual. Why?
Me: Just checking...
<stunned silence>
Apartment complex was filling up the pool.
Me, "how much water are they gonna put in there!? You can't even read the footage!"
Friend's sister, "you don't read footage, you watch it."
Some people say filling balloon animals with helium is wrong.
But whatever floats your goat.
People say filling animals with helium is wrong...
I say "whatever floats your goat."
While filling an online survey, I came across a gender option: Canadian.
I think they meant Eh-sexual.
Like filling animals with helium?
Whatever floats your goat.
Some people think filling animals is wrong.
I dont judge. Whatever floats your goat!
People tell me "filling animals with helium is bad"
but I say "whatever floats your goat!"
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