Fast Car Puns

Working title is called Fast 10: Your Seatbelt

Reel quick

Put sugar in the gas tank. It’ll be hyper, until it crashes.

I’ve never had one.

His response was, "Because they only make left turns"

He's calling it McJaguar.

When people watch me drive by they’ll say “Look at that S-car-go”

(A joke my dad told me many many years ago)

One day a snail went to a car dealership, he said to the dealer. I want a custom car, a car that’s very fast and had a big s on the side. The dealer said ok and the snail paid. 3 weeks later the snail got a call that his car was ready. When the snail went back to the dealership for his car and the dealer asked him why he snail wanted a big s on the side, and the snail said “I’ve been very slow all my life, so when I’m going down the freeway at high speeds, I want people to look over and say look at that escargot”

Bears must really like Hip-Hop.

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

A cyclist is struggling up a long steep hill on his bike, when he is met by a good Samaritan in a car. The guy offers him a long rope to tow him up the hill and the cyclist gratefully accepts. By the time they get to the top of the hill, the guy driving forgets he is towing the cyclist and heads on to the highway, with the poor cyclist ringing his bell in vain. In the meantime, a couple see them drive past their car on the highway and the wife turns to her husband:

"Wow, that car's going pretty fast, isn't it?" The husband replies, "the car?! Look at the cyclist behind him! He's going so fast he's ringing the bell to get the car to move out of the way!"

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

It was 9:50 PM and the giant shopping center near the Pokémon trainer’s home closed at 10 PM. He was driving very fast to try and make it. Of course, he got pulled over. The officer approached the car and asked, “Why were you going so fast, sir?”

His reply, “Well officer, I gotta catch a mall.”

So I just met a master jokester. The setting:

I came out of work across the parking lot and a car comes at me. So I cross and I hear him go, 'youre walking too fast for this place' it's a 55+ community. So I walk over to talk to him and he goes 'what are you doin here your awfully young to be here'

me: yeaah, I'm 10 years to young. I'm the new chef for your clubhouse'

Him: 'youll be cooking for old men'

Me: 'its a challenge'

Him: 'well I don't want to keep you

Me: 'im just picking my dad up from physical therapy'

Him deadpan, 'well you might not want to do that'

Me: why?!

Him dead serious: well, because he's got to be heavy

Me: ... I can't believe I just got grandpop joked

Him: you better believe it

My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."

A friend of mine and his girlfriend are waiting out the rain in their parked car to go jumping off a cliff into a lake. Their speedometer being stuck at 75mph. He turns to his girlfriend and says "Well, we are going nowhere fast."

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

So, a little story Alright, so I'd say I was in about 6th or 7th grade. One day my Grandpa (Pop) and I are driving down the road, for some irrelevant time story amount of time. We end up down some country road that passes a bunch of cattle fields, and as we're driving he turns down the radio and he asks "Do you think those cows are very smart?" And I ask why. He responds with "You know, cause they're out standing in the field." That man, let me tell you.

Alright, fast forward to about 3~4 years. My friend and I were driving to another friends house, and we ended up on the same road, with the same cows in the field. Guess what I asked him. And I swear on my Grandfather's grave, my friend stopped his car, and asked me to get out.

My family went up to Washington for a couple of weeks and my sister brought her boyfriend. Let's refer to her as Kiwi and him as Konrad. We didn't want to deal with bringing a car up, so we rented one, going with a Volkswagen Jetta at the recommendation of the agent who saw the huge volume of stuff we were carrying. I remember seeing Konrad smirking a little bit when we got in the car, but didn't think anything of it at the time.

Fast forward to the end of our vacation, and we're heading back to the agency to turn in the car, and unpacking all of our stuff from the trunk, and Kiwi says "That looks like everything," and Konrad says "Yup, I guess that's the return of the Jetta."

Me: "You've been waiting three weeks to use that, haven't you?"

Sister: Sometimes I make jokes that only you would appreciate to the full extent

Me: Same.

Sister: This car came pulling out of a place real fast before stopping and the guys driving kind of looked like POTC Orlando Bloom. So naturally he [her boyfriend] said "Woah, Orlando bloom" and I said "Yeah you better calm down before you Orlando yourself in a bad spot"

Driving in the car, he wants fast music, I change from rock to pop and start slightly pumping the brakes to the beat of the song.

"Wow, nice brake dancing!"

Me- "yeah my car said 98" Dad- "you're not supposed to drive that fast"

Our front door was open, I wasn't paying attention and a car drove by really fast.

Me: That car was hauling ass.

GF: Hehe. Hauling.

Me: What?

It was a U-Haul.

One of the many my dad got me with when I was a kid;

I was always fascinated with cars and overheard someone say that he liked Subarus because of the "boxer" engine. Later I asked dad what that was, and he said it was because they used the engine out of the Porsche Boxter.

For many years I argued with my friends that Subarus must be really fast because of their Porsche motors.

We are on holiday in Malaysia and she has started to grow beyond merely appreciating good jokes.

In the car, as we're starting to make speed I tell her I'm closing the windows so she should turn on the a/c. She then shouts: "Heyyy, the a/c was on all the time!" Me: "It's cool." She laughs; we happy.

Fast forward twenty minutes to the gas station. We're outside eating our icecream when I shout: "Baby look at my icecream, it's smoking!" She grins and has that evil twinkle in her eyes that seperates the dads from the fathers, and says: "It's cool." Our future kids are in for a treat.

I´m not really sure if this fits here, but it´s a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people don´t give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "That´s it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. I´m just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back he´s gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"You´re lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldn´t be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. It´s then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didn´t think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didn´t spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

My girlfriend and I were walking out of a fast food place after eating, on the way back to our car I was walking along a curb with my arms out like a tightrope walker. She looked at me and said "must have been a well balanced meal."

I think she's the one.

I just painted a big S on my car and I like to drive really fast...

Now when people see me fly by they say, "Wow! Look at that S car go!" (Escargot)