Police intervened before anyone began luting.
(Stolen from today's Shoe comic strip... But too good not to share.)
I was at the local Renaissance Faire with some friends today and we went to see the blacksmith. They had some cool mugs and shot glasses without price tags, so my friend asked how much everything was.
Blacksmith: These mugs cost this much [yada yada yada] and these shot glasses are $18.
Me: Shouldn't they be $21?
The blacksmith groaned. I made a blacksmith groan.
Her: (looking at wooden wands) Hey, I'm looking for an elder wand. Do they have an elder wand?
Me: I dunno, how do you tell how old they are?
It wasnβt bad for a constellation prize.
No strings attached.
The lard ash was everywhere!
The Ferrets Wheel
Of all people, youβd think theyβd appreciate a period joke
Mississippi
Thatβs a lot of wasted votes
They didnβt do anything.
They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was
the chip monk!
Carnival
"What percent?"
"I'm about 80% sure."
I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...
"Caught you red handed".
She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.
In a freak accident today,a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair,the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
So people would assume we had a fairly large fan base
I mine my own business.
I'm ready for A riel woman.
After taking our order and asking if we want anything else, I point at my phone and ask if she can leave us a menu just in case.
I think I wrote my first dad joke original on something new to this changing world!
It was a lovely service...
The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.
When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."
Heβs all right wing.
They made us play against Trinidad AND Tobago
Flight attendant gets on the intercom:
βThat was not the Captainβs fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.β
Because it's see-food!
my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.
edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.
thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day
My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):
I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landingπ¬π
He died from dysentery.
There is only 1 fathers day in a year but every week its sunday
There were costumed food characters on stage in a cooking demonstration at the fair we were at (ice cream, churro, orange, and really round corn on the cob).
As the corn character was introduced, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Aww shucks, that corn is a little husky."
The immediate look of disdain and the eye roll from her is my reason for living.
